A Lesson in the Hoobah Boobah Language: Office-supply Vocabulary

The Hoobah Boobah language is one of the most difficult on Earth.  However, the words for things having to do with office and school work are fairly easy for English speakers.  All the Hoobah Boobah words for office supplies are, in fact,  taken from the English language, with just a few changes in spelling and pronunciation.  Below are a few examples:

1. Paper clip:  (in a shouting voice) "Paperrrrrrrr Cleeeeep!"
2. Paper:  (as you might imagine, this is pronounced "Paperrrrrrrrr!" in a shouting voice; the 'r' sound at the end of the word is like the sound of a very loud cat's purr)
3. Pencil:  (this word needs to be screamed) "Penceeeeeeel!"
4. Computer:  (Shout each syllable separately) "Com-put-orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
5. Desk:  (make your voice as low as possible, and hold out the 'e' sound for 10 seconds)  "Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesk."  The word is pronounced just as it is in English, except that the 'e' is held out for a really long time, as described.
6. Trash Can:  (the 'r' in trash is rolled, like the r in Ireland or Scotland) "TrashKanTrashKanTrashKan" (even though it seems like you're talking about 3 trash cans, you're really just referring to one trash can.  If you were talking about 3 trash cans, here is what you would say: "TrashKanTrashKanTrashKanTrashKanTrashKanTrashKanTrashKanTrashKanTrashKan"

Health Care In Hoobah Boobah Land

As the United States Congress and the President try to figure out how to make sure all Americans can get health care, it might be a good idea to study the health care system of Hoobah Boobah Land.

Hoobah Boobahns are among the healthiest people on the planet.  There are many reasons for this.  First of all, Hoobah Boobah Land is a low-stress society.  People take their time in everything they do.  They almost never raise their voices, or get anxious.  The Hoobah Boobah Diet is very healthy as well.  So, practically everyone in Hoobah Boobah Land has normal weight and blood pressure.

Transportation in Hoobah Boobah Land is very slow, so people aren't rushing around from one place to another, as in the United States and some other countries.  Most Hoobah Boobahns walk to where they want to go, or ride the 3-wheeled bicycles that are only found in Hoobah Boobah Land (so, they get a lot of excercise).  Or, they take a relaxing ride in a cart pulled by the ox-like animal known as a Bleegoingaak (see the post of  2/18/08  to see a picture of a one of these animals).

Since people in Hoobah Boobah Land don't really try to get rich, doctors are happy with being no wealthier than other citizens of the kingdom.  Sometimes, they are happy just to get some chicken eggs, or butter, in exchange for giving check-ups.  However, King Ralph VI has recently announced that, starting in 2 or three months, every citizen will get 500 Grzzz a year (Grzzz is the Hoobah Boobah money) to use towards doctor bills.  Since all hospital visits are already free, and most doctor visits cost only about 20 Grzzz, you can now say that everyone in Hoobah Boobah Land basically will get free health care.

Ask your parents about how much they have to pay for their healthcare.  I doubt it's for free.

To summarize, there are three basic reasons the Hoobah Boobah health care system works so well: 1.  low-stress, healthy lifestyles 2. affordability of medical care 3. government cash payments to pay for doctor visits and treatments.  Something to think about. 

Illegal Hoobah Boobah Video Confiscated

The Royal Minister of Hoobah Boobah Security Sends A Warning!

Today we got a USB drive by air courier. It came from -- you may have guessed -- Hoobah Boobah Land. It contained video you see above.

It is illegal to use cameras or video devices in Hoobah Boobah Land, as you may be aware.

However, from time to time, unwise citizens disobey the rules.

Security guards caught a visitor to the Royal Hoobah Boobah Museum of Art making this video.

Why he chose to film a ceiling fan is unknown. When questioned by the guards, the visitor said he had heard people from other countries did not believe in Hoobah Boobah Land's existence. He was tired of this, and was using this smuggled camera to shoot a video. He said he would have then put the camera in a bottle, then placed the bottle in the ocean in the hopes that it would reach Argentina or South Africa. When the guards pointed out the difficulty of placing a camera in a bottle, the detained visitor slapped himself on the forehead and wept.

The Minister of Security has released the video to us, asking us to warn all foreigners not to try smuggle video cameras to Hoobah Boobah citizens!

The Minister of Security has also assured us that the citizen's only punishment will be confiscation of the camera.

Fossilized Pliplocky Discovered!

An intern from the Royal Hoobah Boobah Department of Paleontology discovered a fossilized Pliplocky (the fruit of the rare Plickyforth plant). She did a rubbing of the fossil -- notice that the stem was also preserved. It is estimated that this Pliplocky is about 60 million years old, which places the fossil at the end of the Dinosaur era.

The rubbing is very light, no doubt because the intern did not wish to damage this rare specimen.

What differences do you notice between this ancient Pliplocky and the one illustrated below (the Pliplockies are the multi-colored bow-tie-shaped fruits on top of the Plickyforth in the illustration shown in the post below this one)? Some of the writing has faded in transit, but have you taken note of the dimensions indicated on the rubbing? The Hoobah Boobah intern was no doubt unfamiliar with our measurement system. Perhaps she thought "feet" are really "millimeters".

The Plicky Forth: one of the world's most unusual plants -

The Plicky Forth bears fruit only once every 50 to 100 years.

It is found in only one place on Earth: the Western Un-organized Imperial District of Hoobah Boobah Land (for more information on Hoobah Boobah Land's western-most province, see the post of 12/11/07).

The western part of Hoobah Boobah Land is inhospitable to most life. Some parts of this region never have temperatures above freezing. It so happens that the Plicky Forth can not survive at temperatures above 0 degrees Celsius (32 degrees Fahrenheit). This is why it grows in the western part of Hoobah Boobah Land.

How can a plant survive in such an environment? The answer lies in the natural anti-freeze found in the Plicky Forth's stalk. The Plicky Forth naturally creates a chemical that maintains its internal temperature at about 70 degrees Fahrenheit (however, at temperatures above freezing, this anti-freeze converts into a toxin that would quickly kill the Plicky Forth).

The fruit of the Plicky Forth is called the Pliplocky. It is a rare delicacy. King Ralph VI sent an expedition to western Hoobah Boobah Land in search of a fruit-bearing Plicky Forth. In spite of many hardships, the explorers found a Plicky Forth with fruit ready for picking. An artist on the expedition drew the picture you see above. They brought the Pliplocky at the top of the Plicky Forth back to King Ralph VI, where he shared it with his family and a few trusted servants.

Many thanks to my assistants at the Hoobah Boobahn-American Friendship Society for translating names of the Plicky Forth parts into English.

United States Will Not Be Sending An Ambassador to Hoobah Boobah Land

Hillary Rodham Clinton, Secretary of State of the United States of America

A source in the State Department, who asked that his name be withheld because he was not authorized to talk to journalists, has said that Barack Obama will not try to establish diplomatic relations with Hoobah Boobah Land.

"With wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, the Swine Flu scare, an economic recession, and other problems, the Government of the United States does not think it should be a priority to attempt to have formal contact with the Government of His Most Royal Highness, King Ralph VI.

"Three presidents prior to Barack Obama have made friendly gestures toward Hoobah Boobah Land. All three attempts were rejected with great unkindness (see the post of 11/24/09). His Majesty's Government has shown no interest in creating ties with the United States. We therefore believe that President Obama would not meet with success in approaching King Ralph VI with an overture of friendship.

"If King Ralph VI ever wishes to initiate constructive conversation with the United States of America, President Obama would be receptive. Secretary of State Clinton would then visit Hoobah Boobah Land at her first available opportunity, in order to hold formal discussions regarding the establishment of diplomatic ties.

"Until that time, President Obama joins Secretary Clinton in sending his best wishes for health, happiness, and prosperity to King Ralph VI, his family, and his loyal subjects."

Unfinished Music By Hoobah Boobah Land's Greatest Composer Discovered!

Milityosh Probonizh was the greatest composer in the entire history of Hoobah Boobah music. His masterpiece is the "Concerto for Reed Flute in A-flat Minor".

Recently, some workmen doing renovations on Milityosh's boyhood home in the capital, Florjabeesh, discovered a locked trunk in a crawl space behind the basement wall. Inside the trunk was an early, unfinished piece of music that music scholars believe Milityosh tried to write when he was about 14 years old, judging by the handwriting. The title in Hoobah Boobahn is "Brztzcak Füür Zixctishosh", which means "Concerto for Whale-bone Horn" (The whale-bone horn is an instrument that is unique to Hoobah Boobah Land).

This discovery gives us an opportunity to learn some unique facts about Hoobah Boobah music. In this musical score, each staff shows the part for the different instruments in the orchestra (notice there is no time signature, and no measures). The top line is the part for the lead instrument, the Zixctishosh (which is abbreviated as 'Zix'); the other lines are for violins, clarinets and other instruments. Notice that every instrument has its own key signature (another feature of Hoobah Boobah music that is unlike the music we are familiar with).

It looks as if he gave up after not even finishing one page -- as you can see, he never got around even to starting to write the parts for the VixohtuSpleka (trombone) and the Honjee (harmonica).

No one can figure out why Milityosh Probonizh gave up on writing this piece of music.

There were other items also found in the trunk containing this music: an unfinished thank-you card Milityosh was writing to his grandmother, his teddy bear, and a slingshot.

Weather Between Hoobah Boobah Land and New Zealand Improves!

The waters between Hoobah Boobah Land and New Zealand have become calm. Now, ships can safely leave Hoobah Boobah Land, and we should have some news arriving here within no more than a week. Be patient!

No News From Hoobah Boobah Land in over 4 Weeks

Why has there been no news from Hoobah Boobah Land recently?

All news from Hoobah Boobah Land first arrives in New Zealand, by freighter. From there it is shipped by UPS or FedEx to me (for more details, see my earlier post that explains the complicated way information gets sent from Hoobah Boobah Land to Brooklyn).

There have recently been terrible storms in the waters between Hoobah Boobah Land and New Zealand. All shipping has been suspended until the storms subside. As soon as the weather improves, we shall have more news about what has been happening lately in Hoobah Boobah Land.

All the information that I receive about Hoobah Boobah Land comes in written form. There is no telephone or e-mail contact between Hoobah Boobah Land and any other nation. All communication takes place by old-fashioned letters, often using ink pens made from goose feathers.

As soon as I receive any information about Hoobah Boobah Land, I will share it with you immediately.

Sincerely,

D. Schorr

King Ralph VI Participates in a Charity Ice-Wrestling Match

The reigning Hoobah Boobah Ice-Wrestling champion, Prabzx Olitoxcx, is traveling to the Hoobah Boobah capital, Florjabeesh, for an exhibition match against His Royal Highness, King Ralph VI.

Two artificially-molded 400-pound ice-wrestling icicles will be placed in the middle of Stalactushzz Stadium (the largest stadium in Hoobah Boobah Land). The first man to break his icicle (basically by giving it a huge bear hug), will be declared the winner. However, Prabzx Olitoxcx will probably let King Ralph VI win the match, as it is only for charity (just like celebrity chef Bobby Flay allows unknown local chefs to beat him in taste tests, even though he could easily win if he wanted to).

All proceeds from the match will go to a scholarship fund for needy students wishing to attend the Royal Hoobah Boobah Merchant Marine Academy (see post of October 10, 2007).

Admission to the ice-wrestling exhibition will be 3 Grzzz (scroll down to find out more about Hoobah Boobah money).

There Is A Winner In the Hoobah Boobahn/American Friendship Society Essay Contest

The Brooklyn Chapter of the Hoobah Boobahn/American Friendship Society recently held an essay/art contest to encourage young people to learn about Hoobah Boobah Land. Though the winner's name must be withheld, above is the 1st prize art work; below is the essay. The picture and the essay were done by the same contestant. Congratulations!

What is the prize? If Hoobah Boobah Land ever allows tourism, the grand prize winner will get an all-expenses-paid trip to Florjabeesh, the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land!

Hoobah Boobah Land is an amazing place where you can let your imagination run wild!

Hoobah Boobah Land claimed its independence from Antarctica and that's when the Hoobah Boobah nation began...

King Ralph VI rules Hoobah Boobah Land. He has two beautiful daughters: one is older and one is one year old, her name is Abby.

Hoobah Boobah Land has a submarine named the "Yppah", which spelled backward is "Happy".

The country itself is very beautiful! Lots of healthy green trees, sandy brown beaches, exotic fish and snowy mountains. Hoobah Boobah Land is paradise!

One popular sport in Hoobah Boobah Land is ice wrestling. There are two players, each of them tries to break a piece of ice sticking up from the ground in front of them. Whoever breaks the ice first wins!

You can see that Hoobah Boobah Land is busy every day, packed with tons of excitement! Yes, Hoobah Boobah Land is home, sweet home!

Ice Wrestling: Very Popular

In the United States, Mexico, and some other countries, pro wrestling is very popular. In Hoobah Boobah Land, there is no pro wrestling. However, Ice Wrestling is the second-most popular sport after baseball. King Ralph VI is a huge fan.

Ice Wrestling originated in the southern Hoobah Boobah province of Nuktor. Here is a student drawing of Prabzx Olitoxcsx, one of the most famous ice wrestlers in the whole country.

The word for Ice Wrestling in Hoobah Boobahn is frozenluttzcxca. English, however, is studied in school by young Hoobah Boobahns. You can faintly see that this young artist has given his drawing an English-language title.

America and Hoobah Boobah Land: A One-Sided Friendship

The United States has tried to make Hoobah Boobah Land its friend and ally many times. Each time it has failed. Hoobah Boobah Land is just too untrusting of the outside world.

Part 1: America discovers Hoobah Boobah Land

In 1885, during the administration of the 22nd President, Grover Cleveland, a US Navy exploration ship discovered Florjabeesh, the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land. The captain tried to row into the harbor, but he was warned away by the Hoobah Boobah Navy (even though the captain was waving a white flag!)

Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th President of the United States of America

Part 2: America tries once again to befriend Hoobah Boobah Land

In 1958, a US spy submarine approached the coast of Hoobah Boobah Land under cover of night. Somehow, the Hoobah Boobahns were alerted to the presence of the submarine, and turned off all the house lights in the area nearest the submarine. The submarine sent a signal of friendship by short-wave radio, but there was no response. As soon as the submarine sailed away, there were three days of celebration.

Dwight D. Eisenhower, the 34th President of the United States, wrote a memo to himself when he was told of the Hoobah Boobahns' unfriendliness: "I have never felt so insulted in all my life!"

Dwight David Eisenhower, 34th President of the United States of America

Part 3: President Richard Nixon tries to make friendly contact with Hoobah Boobah Land in 1973

President Nixon was famous for being the first American president to visit China after China got a communist government in 1949 (Nixon visited in 1972). He thought that if he could visit China, he could visit Hoobah Boobah Land. He had the ambassador to Australia write a letter to the King of Hoobah Boobah Land. But the letter was returned unopened. Nixon resigned from the presidency on August 9th, 1974, before he had another chance to try to visit Hoobah Boobah Land.

Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th President of the United States of America

It seems doubtful that President-elect Barack Obama will send his Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton, to try to meet with King Ralph VI, the ruler of Hoobah Boobah Land.

Meet the Grishnazxzx Family!

Hello everyone! I'd like you to meet the Grishnazxzx family (by the way, here's how you pronounce their name: 'grishna-six-six'). They live in the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land, which is called Florjabeesh. Mr. Grishnazxzx is a veterinarian. He treats pets, but also large animals like geese and bleegoingaaaks. (Bleegoingaaaks are the 3-horned, 2-tailed buffalo-like creatures that supply Hoobah Boobah Land's milk and butter). Mrs. Grishnazxzx is a teacher at P.S. 500, one of the worst schools in Hoobah Boobah Land -- that is why she is not smiling as broadly as the other family members in the picture. There are two children in the Grishnazxzx family: Meetra, age 17, and Paoluxkosh, age 9. Mrs. Grishnazxzx's mother, Leeeelaya, also lives with the family. She is very kind (however, she was not included in this portrait).

An archaeological discovery!

Recently, archaeologists have discovered evidence that in about 11,000 BC, there was one ruler over all the primitive tribes that lived in present-day Hoobah Boobah Land. The scientists believe his name was Louxpakaxoxz. Louxpakaxoxz started out as the ruler of the tribe of Wxaker, which was the largest and best-organized tribe in the part of Antarctica that makes up the modern country of Hoobah Boobah Land. It is not known how he was able to gain the loyalty of the other tribes. Scientists also could not figure out how long his reign was. However, the tribes were believed to have become independent once again after Louxpakaxoxz's death. Hoobah Boobah Land would not be unified for another 10,000 years.


A burial site was discovered in a bog on the outskirts of the Hoobah Boobah capital, Florjabeesh; this site is believed to have been made specially for Louxpakaxoxz. It was much larger than an ordinary gravesite, and it was much better preserved. It contained gifts that seem to have come from many different parts of present-day Hoobah Land. For example, the remains of a washing-machine made out of tough grasses and sticks that historically was only used in the southern region of Nuktor (a version of this device is still used by older residents of that region) called a vx was found there. A penguin trap that probably came from eastern Hoobah Boobah Land was also found. Also, an ornamental spear was placed next to the remains of the person buried in the site. This would only have been given to a person of royal rank (this spear would have been called a wxaxy in ancient Hoobah Boobahn). The skeletal remains were about 6 feet, 11 inches in length -- Hoobah Boobah legend states that the greatest ruler of pre-historic Hoobah Boobah Land was extraordinarily tall, so the remains could well have been Louxpakoxoxz's (Louxpakoxoxz is believed to be a legendary name, though his real name might have been similar). However, since there was no writing system in Hoobah Boobah Land in 11,000 BC, and the art inside the tomb was faded, there is no way to be certain that the body in the tomb was Louxpakoxoxz's.

Scientists believe that all these objects were offered in tribute to Louxpakoxoxz upon his death. Since the offerings came from all over Hoobah Boobah Land, it is very possible that the different tribes were showing loyalty to the royal family of that time -- they probably would not have done this unless Louxpakoxoxz had actually been their ruler. It is not certain as to whether Louxpakoxoxz fully ruled the country, or whether he just had alliances with all the other tribes.

This is the most important archaeological discovery in Hoobah Boobah Land in the last 100 years. While the legend of Louxpakoxoxz has always been thought to have been based on a real person, this discovery definitely gives more proof that Louxpakoxoxz actually did live in pre-historic Hoobah Boobah Land, and that he ruled over the entire country.

A Note About The Concerto for Reed Flute in A-flat Minor

The masterpiece that was performed last Saturday night by the Royal Symphony of Hoobah Boobah Land, the "Concerto for Reed Flute in A-flat Minor", has a very difficult key signature. Would you believe there are 7 flats in this key signature? This means that every single note you play has to be a flat. Here is a link showing the key signature for A-flat minor. (A-flat minor has the same key signature as C-flat major.)

The Concerto for Reed Flute in A-flat Minor is rarely performed, because musicians have a hard time remembering to play all those flat notes. At the Royal Command Performance of last Saturday night, King Ralph VI personally requested the Reed Flute Concerto. Needless to say, the Royal Symphony could not turn down his request. However, the orchestra usually prefers to play composer Milityosh Probonizh's Symphony #3 in C Major. The first movement is in C major; the second movement is in A minor (same key signature as C major); the third movement is in G major; the fourth movement goes back to C major.

Princess Lola After The Performance Of The Royal Symphony of Hoobah Boobah Land

I have mentioned before that photography is illegal in Hoobah Boobah Land. I have also mentioned that Princess Lola is a role model to many Hoobah Boobah children.

A very talented Hoobah Boobah elementary school student was waiting patiently for Lola to appear at the entrance to the Royal Palace last Saturday night, after the Royal Symphony of Hoobah Boobah Land's performance. Lola was gracious enough to pose for this young artist for 30 whole minutes! (Normally, the public must wait for the special week-end viewings of the royal family to make this kind of portrait.)

It occurs to me that this picture is very different from the portrait of Princess Lola you see a few posts below. My explanation: different artist, different interpretation of the subject.

Princess Lola's Pet

In Hoobah Boobah Land, the word for 'dog' is 'canushxxshook' (it's very hard to pronounce, just do your best). This is Princess Lola's canushxxshook, which is called Lolee. As you can see, this animal has wings (however, the canushxxshook can not fly). Not pictured are the animal's six tails.

Lolee is wearing a bib that Princess Lola knitted herself. Lola must have been concentrating so hard on her knitting that she forgot the two h's in Hoobah Boobah Land. But you should know that Princess Lola is very talented. Not only can she knit, but she is a great baseball player.

Triumphant Performance of the Royal Symphony of Hoobah Boobah Land!

At the conclusion of last night's masterful performance by the Royal Symphony of Hoobah Boobah Land, the beloved conductor Haaarixicat Xylizzzx received a standing ovation. The great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of featured composer Milityosh Proboniszh, Xrlock Proboniszh, mounted the stage, and personally thanked the orchestra for its masterful rendition of his distinguished ancestor's masterpiece, the Concerto for Reed Flute in A flat minor. He then handed a bouquet of flowers to the featured soloist, the renowned reed flute master Earch Ywlooshian.

The applause and cheers of the royal family were especially noticeable.

How did I receive news of the concert so soon after it was over? Normally, it takes 2 weeks for news to travel from Hooobah Boobah Land. However, the Minister of Culture took the kingdom's only BlackBerry (yes, there is only one cell phone in the entire country -- and it doesn't even work in Hoobah Boobah Land!). He boarded the Hoobah Boobah navy's only submarine, the H.B.S. Yppah, and sailed 300 kilometers to get cell phone service. He then text-messaged these details about the concert to me. It must have been a very good concert for him to have done that!

A Concert In Hoobah Boobah Land!

Tomorrow evening, November 1st, 2008 (in the Hoobah Boobah calendar, that would be the 42nd day of the Hoobah Boobah month of Moxdaxk -- you can see the earlier post on the construction of the Hoobah Boobah calendar, which is very different from our calendar), the Royal Symphony of Hoobah Boobah Land will be performing at the Royal Palace for the King Ralph VI and his family, along with an exclusive audience of a few hundred other guests.

The orchestra will first perform the Hoobah Boobah national anthem. The program will also feature a piece by Hoobah Boobah Land's greatest composer, Milityosh Probonizh. Tomorrow night they will play his masterpiece, the Concerto for Reed Flute in A flat minor (the reed flute is an instrument native to Hoobah Boobah Land, similar to the Australian Aborigine instrument, the didgeridoo).

The conductor is one of the few women to lead a major orchestra anywhere in the world. 77 year-old Haaarixicat Xylizzzx has been conductor and music director of the Royal Symphony for almost 40 years.

Tomorrow, she will say sternly, "Bokko Cheechnynya!" to the musicians (that means "listen everyone"). She will tap her baton sharply, and shout, "Ek, dwy, pleeky florz!" (that means, "one, two, ready, go). When each piece is finished, the audience will shout "Skreekaz Haaarixicatzee!" (which means, "great job, Haaarixicat").

The conductor of the Royal Symphony of Hoobah Boobah Land is so beloved, everyone just calls her 'Haaarixicat', and not 'Mrs. Xylizzzx'.

Last week-end, another talented youngster drew this portrait of the heir to the Hoobah Boobah throne: Princess Lola. Princess Lola is 11 years old. Her dress has the royal seal of Hoobah Boobah Land, which shows a waterfall and mountains, which, strangely, don't actually exist anywhere in that country. The motto reads "Ek Hoobahboobahlandzee", which means "One Hoobah Boobah Land". Princess Lola is usually ranked as one of the most admired Hoobah Boobahns under age 25. She is said to be delightful company.

A View Of Princess Abby, Youngest Child Of King Ralph VI and Queen Gertrude

Princess Abby is almost one year old. She has just begun walking, and can even say a few words -- amazing feats for such a young baby.
Every Saturday morning, small groups are permitted into the Royal Palace to view Princess Abby, along with any other royal family members who happen to be present that day. Photography is not permitted (in fact, cameras are very rare in Hoobah Boobah Land). However, children under the age of 14 are allowed to draw pictures of royal family members. Here is one by a Hoobah Boobah elementary school student. (I have been told that a picture of Abby's older sister, Lola, is on its way.)

How Do We Get Information About Hoobah Boobah Land?

The process of getting information about Hoobah Boobah Land to The United States takes anywhere from 3-6 months.

There is no internet in Hoobah Boobah Land, so e-mails to and from that country are obviously out of the question. King Ralph VI must personally approve any information about his kingdom before it gets placed on this website.

I send a letter to a contact person in New Zealand (New Zealand is one of two countries that imports goose-down feathers from Hoobah Boobah Land). This letter is a formal request for information from the Hoobah Boobah Royal Ministry of Information -- the letter must be notarized by a Notary Public, otherwise it will be returned with no reply from the Hoobah Boobah government. My New Zealand contact, whose identity may not be revealed, hands the letter over to the captain of a departing Hoobah Boobah goose-down freighter. The captain brings it back to Hoobah Boobah Land, where the letter is personally delivered to the Royal Palace by royal courier.

The king personally selects a topic to be put in his reply, for example, baseball in Hoobah Boobah Land.

The Minister of Information will have his workers do research and write a short non-fiction piece about the topic. The non-fiction piece is personally approved by King Ralph, then put in small safe, whose combination is only known by me. The safe is brought by royal courier to an outgoing goose-feather ship bound for New Zealand. My contact in New Zealand picks up the safe and sends it to me, usually by DHL.

I burn whatever documents were in the safe as soon as I make my post on hoobahboobahland.blogspot.com. This is to keep them from falling into the wrong hands.

P.S. 500: One Of The Worst Schools In Hoobah Boobah Land

In the last post, you learned about the inappropriate behavior some children show in Hoobah Boobah Land schools. Let me introduce you to P.S. 500 (also known as The Kennesheex Huzzz School -- it's named after the great Hoobah Boobah baseball player Kennesheex ("Kenny") Huzzz).

P.S. 500 is perhaps the worst school in Hoobah Boobah Land. The principal is 4 feet, 8 inches tall and weighs 280 pounds. He also wears a toupee. The children throw watermelon rinds at him when he walks through the cafeteria, knocking off his toupee! No teacher wants to teach there, because the children are completely uncontrollable: they dance on tables and scream out bad words in the Hoobah Boobah language (sorry, I would not feel right teaching you what those words are).

P.S. 500 is located at the edge of Florjabeesh, Hoobah Boobah Land's capital. The Royal Ministry of Education is investigating the school, and is considering a plan to close it down. The children of P.S. 500 would then go to other schools. The problem is that no other schools want those children to come to their school.

If Kennesheex Huzzz were alive today, he would be ashamed!

3-Wheeled Hoobah Boobah Bicycle

In the Hoobah Boobah language, the word for bicycle is broxckowleggiano. Note that there is a third wheel in the rear of the bike. This third wheel does not aid in balance or speed, and does not provide that much more traction; rather, you could say this third wheel is Hoobah Boobah Land's cultural contribution to the world of bicycle riding.

This is a child's drawing of a broxckowleggiano. It is illegal to export photographs of Hoobah Boobah Land in any form.

How Children Behave In School in Hoobah Boobah Land

You may be wondering what it's like to be a child in Hoobah Boobah Land. Well, you might not like it very much -- that is, if you watch a lot of TV, play video games, and use the computer. Since electricity barely exists, there is only one TV station, only a few hundred TVs in the whole country, and the internet is illegal (did you know this website can not be viewed in Hoobah Boobah Land?), you would be out of luck. However, if you like to ride strange bicycles (see the posting from early May that discusses Hoobah Boobah 'bicycles'), play old-fashioned games, go fishing, or go on rides on the Hoobah Boobah species of buffalo known as a bleegoingaak, then you would love it there. Hoobah Boobah children live the simple life that we led 150 years ago. Their lives have not been changed by technology.

But, strangely, Hoobah Boobah children are very naughty in school. They are constantly giggling and getting distracted. They play tricks on the teacher (I don't even want to say what those are). No matter how strict the rules of school may be, they have no effect on the misbehaving students of Hoobah Boobah Land's schools. The children are always getting detention, but punishment has no effect on their behavior.

Perhaps this is because education is not as important in Hoobah Boobah Land as it should be (see the earlier post on Hoobah Boobah education). Let me just say that I am glad I teach in Brooklyn, NY, not Hoobah Boobah Land!

School Lunch In Hoobah Boobah Land

Hoobah Boobah Land is practically a waste-free society. Food products and other items are almost never sold in wrappers. The country uses no oil (only natural gas for heating and running its railway system); therefore, plastic bags are not made there, nor are they imported into the country. When Hoobah Boobahns shop, they use burlap bags, or traditional craft bags made out of the sturdy grasses that are so plentiful throughout the northern part of the country.

The Hoobah Boobahns also have an attitude towards food that is very different from our own. For one thing, they rarely snack between meals, and they don't eat junk food.

Hoobah Boobah children are not 'goody two-shoes' who never eat junk food because they prefer to eat vegetables, fruits, and other healthful foods. It is simply that they have never been exposed to chips, candy, and other treats that are common in our society. And believe me, they are even more mischievous than children in other countries! The after-school detention rooms in Hoobah Boobah schools are filled to capacity every day (I will try to explain why this happens in another post).

A typical lunch at school would include roast goose with wild cranberry dressing (Hoobah Boobah Cranberries are very tart, and less sugar is used in Hoobah Boobah cranberry sauce than in the United States), wild marsh rice (harvested from the marshes around the Hoobah Boobah capital, Florjabeesh), and itaaxicat, a kind of spinach pie made from the Hoobah Boobah national vegetable, which is similar to spinach (see posting of 10/31/07). To drink, the children have melted glacier water, brought up by rail from the southern region of Nuktor.

They will have dessert, however. They will have an ice-cream made from bleegoingaak milk (scroll down to see illustration of the bleegoingaak, or go to March postings).

The meal is served on china, and the kids use real silverware. The meal is closely monitored to make sure the children behave appropriately during the meal. The children are allowed to talk, so don't worry, the atmosphere is not completely strict.

More on Hoobah Boobah Land Sports...

Recently I profiled Hoobah Boobah baseball. On October 19th, 2007, I wrote about Hoobah Boobah Land's other major sport: ice wrestling.

The third most popular sport in H.B.L. is a kind of soccer called kyyiibyi (pronounced 'ky-yi-bye-yee'). In this game, there are three goals on each side. There are also three balls in play at once, and 15 players per side. The balls are about the same size as beach balls (though with about the same weight as a regulation soccer ball).

The basic rules are -- amazingly -- similar to our own game of soccer. A couple of minor differences: when one of the 3 balls goes out of bounds, the game continues with the other two balls while the throw-in takes place with the ball that went out; similarly, if there is a penalty kick with one ball, regulation play continues with the other two balls.

As you would expect, the field is much wider in kyyiibyi. The games are also much higher-scoring than in regular soccer.

This game is only played in amateur leagues.

The Hoobah Boobah Baseball Hall of Fame

Hoobah Boobah Land does not have its own baseball hall of fame, as we Americans do at Cooperstown, NY. But it has had some great players in the 700-year history of professional Hoobah Boobah baseball. Here are some profiles of a few of these Hoobah Boobah sports legends:

1. Kennesheex Huzzz. "Kenny" Huzzz played for the Florjabeesh Islanders from 1301 to 1325 (the team was founded, in fact, in 1301; Kenny was an original Islander). Kenny played all positions, as most players did in Hoobah Boobah baseball up until about 1960. He had a lifetime batting average of .401. As a pitcher he had a lifetime E.R.A. of 3.56, which was actually astoundingly good for Hoobah Boobah baseball (in Hoobah Boobah baseball, you get a walk on 3 balls, but it takes 4 strikes to strike out, which puts pitchers at an obvious disadvantage).

Kennesheex Huzzz was one of the most revered Hoobah Boobahns of the 14th century. "The Ballad of Kenny Huzzz" is one of the most beloved verses of all Hoobah Boobah literature. Even to this very day, Hoobah Boobah children set this poem to memory (we Americans should get back in the habit of memorizing poetry).

2. Earch Zxyxlack. Earch "Whiff" Zxyxlack was the greatest Hoobah Boobah baseball player of the 16th century, and perhaps the best all-round player who ever played for the Nuktor Ice-Wrestlers. With 604 homeruns and 2,967 hits lifetime, he was also one of the best defensive players in the history of the game, with a 502-game no-error streak.

3. Xuxtlen Badton. Mauchtoozxziizee is Hoobah Boobah Land's easternmost province, and also its smallest. The provincial capital of Mauchtoozxz has only had a professional baseball team since 1806; its team, the Mauchtoozxz Goose Traders, has never won a national championship -- a drought that puts the travails of the Chicago Cubs into perspective.

The Goose Traders had a long-serving, long-suffering, but beloved manager, Xuxtlen Badton, who headed the hapless team throughout 55 seasons (from 1888 through 1943). Even when his team went 4-86 in 1912, there were no calls for him to be fired. If anything, public support for him seemed to increase when the Goose Traders had lopsided losing seasons.

On his retirement, the King of Hoobah Boobah Land knighted "Xuxy" Badton. 'Sir Xuxy' died in 1946.

Professional Baseball in Hoobah Boobah Land

Professional baseball in Hoobah Boobah Land has a rich history, dating from the late 13th century and continuing on up to this day.

All professional games take place in one stadium, Stalactushzz stadium, near the Royal Palace, in the capital, Florjabeesh. Teams are organized in the different geographical regions of H.B.L. Florja, the most populous province, has the most teams, but Nuktor, the remote southern province, has its own team: The Nuktor Ice-Wrestlers.

The teams travel to Florjabeesh, and play a week's worth of games at Stalactushzz stadium. Fans either travel to the capital to watch, or watch on one of the country's few television sets. Many listen to radio broadcasts of the games.

The Origin of Baseball in Hoobah Boobah Land

As different as Hoobah Boobah Land is from the United States, Hoobah Boobahns nonetheless are baseball fanatics. How is this possible? Hoobah Boobah Land has had minimal contact with the outside world.

Baseball was brought to other countries by American servicemen. Now, some of the best players in the Major Leagues come from outside the United States. But how did the Hoobah Boobahns learn about baseball without anyone teaching it to them?

The answer comes from the branch of mathematics known as probability. If you flip a coin 1000 times, it will land on the tails side about 500 times. But if you flip that same coin 1000 times for an infinite number of 1000-flip sets, eventually it will be tails 1000 times. It might take countless trillions of 1000-flip trials, but eventually, it will happen.

This is the explanation for baseball in Hoobah Boobah Land. In this incredible example of probability theory at work, Hoobah Boobah Land developed the game of baseball, with the exact same rules, the exact same field dimensions, and the exact same number of players each side as in the American game. And it all happened completely by chance!

There are a couple of minor differences between Hoobah Boobah baseball and American baseball. The most notable of these is that there are 3 balls and 4 strikes per at bat, which obviously favors batters over pitchers (it also explains why complete-game shut-outs are very rare, and why no pitcher has ever pitched a perfect game in the 700-year history of Hoobah Boobah baseball). The composition of the baseballs themselves is also slightly different from American baseballs.

Sometime in the future I shall profile some of the great players of Hoobah Boobah baseball.

The Bleegoingaaak

Above is an artist's rendition of the most important animal in Hoobah Boobah culture, the Bleegoingaaak. This 5-horned, twin-tailed animal provides the main form of transportation in Hoobah Boobah Land -- its top speed is 50 miles an hour, and can travel 5 times farther than a horse without having to be fed and watered. Bleegoingaaak cows provide milk and butter of far higher quality than the best organic milk and butter that is available to us. The Hoobah Boobahns use of Bleegoingaaaks instead of automobiles is the main reason that Hoobah Boobah Land has the smallest "carbon footprint" of any country on Earth.

Unusual Wildlife of Hoobah Boobah Land, Part II

The wiimpash is a mouse-like aquatic mammal that inhabits the underground streams and rivers of Hoobah Boobah land. Underground streams and rivers are much more common than those above ground, probably because so much of the plant life consists of grasses with complex, tough root systems that make it difficult for waterways to carve paths through the earth. The root systems of native Hoobah Boobah grasses make it so Hoobah Boobah Land has very little erosion -- it has probably the lowest rate of soil loss of any country on the planet. Then again, since most countries have not bothered to measure their soil loss, there is no true way of comparing H.B.L.'s erosion rate to that of any other country.

Erosion is usually measured in grams of soil eroded per hectare (to my American readers: the hectare is the unit of land area measurement in the metric system). Actually, I was doing some research, and it turns out only two countries aside from Hoobah Boobah Land have determined their Annual Soil Loss Quotient (usually referred to as A.S.L.Q.): Latvia and Nepal.

Perhaps I will discuss soil erosion on another occasion. For now, back to the wiimpash, the aquatic mouse.

The wiimpash feeds mainly on roots that grow out of the roofs of the underground streams it inhabits. It has webbed paws, as well as webbing where its limbs join to its body. It normally grows to about 20 centimeters in length. It has poor vision, but very acute hearing. It seldom bites, preferring to swim or scurry away at the first sign of danger.

Females give birth only once in their lifetimes, which makes the wiimpash quite different from ordinary mice in other countries, which breed abundantly and often.

Wiimpashes are unsatisfying pets, since they strongly prefer darkness. Also, it is almost impossible to recreate the wiimpash habitat in a terrarium. In another posting I will describe the kinds of pets Hoobah Boobahns prefer (obviously, not the wiimpash).

Hoobah Boobah Navy's Submarine In Heroic Rescue

The H.B.S. (Hoobah Boobah Ship) "Yppah", the submarine recently acquired by the Hoobah Boobah navy, has just been involved in rescuing a half-dozen thrill-seekers who were apparently trying to reach Hoobah Boobah Land in a motor-yacht.

6 young people from an undisclosed South American country tried to steer a large pleasure boat towards the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land, Florjabeesh. The boat, which belonged to the family of one of the wealthy youngsters, was in danger of capsizing in rough waters off the Hoobah Boobah coast. The "Yppah" was sent to the scene, and a rescue team was able to bring the frightened, wet youngsters aboard before they were harmed.

The 6 young men and women, whose names are not being revealed by the Hoobah Boobah government, were dried off, fed, and brought to within 1000 meters of the coast of their home country (I guess this tells you that the country was not Bolivia or Paraguay, doesn't it?). The "Yppah" sent a distress signal on an internationally recognized radio frequency, then placed the six grateful South Americans in a rescue dinghy. The "Yppah" submerged and moved off by one kilometer so it could be close enough to make sure that the dinghy was picked up (it was, by a helicopter of the South American country's navy). The "Yppah" then returned to port.

The Royal Government of Hoobah Boobah Land wishes to discourage, in the strongest possible terms, anyone from trying to reach Hoobah Boobah Land by any means, but particularly by sea. The waters off the coast of H.B.L. are treacherous.

Hoobah Boobah Land: A Role-Model For Environmental Stewardship

As the nations of the Earth begin to awaken to the very real dangers presented by global warming, we should all take notice of the example that Hoobah Boobah Land has set for us all in the arena of environmental protection. If other countries would follow Hoobah Boobah Land's lead, the atmosphere's carbon dioxide level would be far lower than it is today, and we would not be threatened by rapid climate change.

You may have noted from earlier posts that Hoobah Boobah Land's population is very small in relation to its very large territory. In many other parts of the world, rapid population growth continues, forcing humans to encroach upon natural areas, to overuse their natural resources, and to pollute the land, air, and water as they build industries to employ the people and to grow their economies.

Hoobah Boobah Land is the most sparsely populated nation on the planet. It has also resisted polluting industries, and also the desire for more and more things (the word for this is 'materialism') that has taken over most of the planet. There are no automobiles in H.B.L., and the small need for electricity is provided by geothermal energy (energy supplied by the earth's internal heat -- for more information on the science of alternative energy, visit the Liberty Science Center: exit 14c off the New Jersey Turnpike). Short distance transportation is supplied by tricycles (not tricycles as we know them: these tricycles have three wheels in a row, like a bicycle with a third wheel, if that helps you picture it), or by riding pack animals called bleegoingaaaks. When Hoobah Boobahns ride longer distances, they ride trains powered by natural gas (the technology was imported from Australia, which is one of H.B.L.'s trading partners).

Environmental laws are very strict, and unlike other countries, Hoobah Boobah Land strongly enforces these laws. King Ralph VI is a committed environmentalist. Knowing what he does about other countries and their sad environmental records, he is unlikely ever to allow tourism in Hoobah Boobah Land.

The Hoobah Boobahn/American Friendship Society Is Now Disbanded!

I wrote earlier (on 10/19/07) that some members of the Society for Hoobah Boobahn/American Friendship (that I founded) have taken it upon themselves to try to overthrow the regime of King Ralph VI. I must say first of all that their efforts are doomed to failure. On September 22, 2007, I reported that 97% of all Hoobah Boobahns consider themselves very happy, which would make Hoobah Boobah Land the happiest nation on Earth. King Ralph VI is also one of the most beloved leaders in the world. What these misguided people are trying to do would be like outlawing birthday parties because they take away from study and work time.

I am permanently splitting off from this group of people, and refuse to have anything further to do with them.

The new Hoobah Boobahn/American Friendship Society will now be headquartered in Brooklyn, NY, where it perhaps belonged all the time. It will be under my sole leadership, and it will remain in full support of King Ralph VI. The foolish members of the old society have at least agreed to call their new organization by a new name. I am not looking forward to learning what that new name might be (probably "The Committee For Hoobah Boobah Land Democracy", or something like that).

If you choose to support the efforts of these miscreants to get rid of King Ralph VI, I think you're making a dreadful mistake, and that you could be spending your time much better in pursuit of other things that are more important. However, I will not take it personally.
The actions of my former friends at the Society will make it extremely unlikely that King Ralph will ever agree to having embassies from other nations on Hoobah Boobah soil -- particularly not the United States. If we are lucky, King Ralph will continue to allow me to report on Hoobah Boobah land on these pages. I will not devote any more time and space to this matter, but will instead continue to report on what is really important here: the culture, history, natural features, environment, and daily life of Hoobah Boobah Land.

The Stirring Story Of Hoobah Boobah Independence

It is the year 937 A.D. For a thousand years the Hoobah Boobah people have yearned for independence from Antarctica. They form an army under the leadership of Ralph the Fearless, a warrior chieftan who has become head of the resistance against Antarctican rule. The army marches southward; eventually they reach a vast frozen tundra. They march thousands of kilometers in all directions, searching for the main Antarctican army.

The march in search of the Antarctican enemies lasts nearly 25 years. Starvation, disease, and cold take a terrible toll on the Hoobah Boobah military force. (A great epic poem about this 2 and a half decade-long march will be written afterwards by Eearch Grochneeegoidan, one of the greatest figures of Hoobah Boobah literature). Finally, Ralph and his inner circle of advisors come to the terrible realization that there is no Antarctican army -- Hoobah Boobah Land could have been independent all along if they'd only realized the rest of Antarctica was unpopulated. The populace of Hoobah Boobah land wails in despair, then holds a six month-long celebration. The Kingdom of Hoobah Boobah Land is officially founded in 962 A.D., and Ralph the Fearless is coronated Ralph I, His Most Royal Highness, King of All Hoobah Boobahns.

Next...a timeline of Hoobah Boobah history!

A Timeline of Hoobah Boobah History

Early History:

10,000 B.C. to about 100 A.D.:
Small tribes form in what is now Hoobah Boobah Land. They are able to subsist (survive) on plants and animals that are found locally within Hoobah Boobah territory.

400 B.C.:
The first evidence of a written Hoobah Boobah language: a recipe for poached flatfish (see the entry on Hoobah Boobah wildlife, below) is discovered in an ice-cave in western Hoobah Boobah Land in 1877. Scientists conjecture that written language probably developed much earlier even than this.

101 A.D. :
Hoobah Boobah tribes realize they live on a much larger body of land (Antarctica). Tribal leaders mistakenly believe they are subjects of the "Antarctican Empire" ("Diktatush Frozenzshi"). Tragically, this belief lasts almost 900 years.

962 A.D.:
Hoobah Boobah Land gains "independence" (see previous post). Ruling Stalactushzz dynasty is formed when King Ralph I ascends to throne. (As this dynasty still exercises absolute rule over Hoobah Boobah land, the House of Stalactushzz is one of the world's oldest royal houses. The king/queen is the head of the government in Hoobah Boobah Land, and has direct power over all aspects of life in the country.)

1100 A.D.:
Raising of geese for down feathers becomes most important part of H.B. economy; it remains so to this day.

1190 A.D.:
Nuktor Rebellion: Peoples of remote southern region of H.B.L. join together in a temporary alliance in order to destroy the monarchy, and with it the central government. Led by the Nuktor tribe (which gave the rebellion its name), the aim of the rebellion was to return H.B.L. to the ungoverned state it enjoyed before 962 A.D. Rebel armies are able to push royal forces out of the capital, Florjabeesh, but are crushed in a counter-attack (the Battle of the 12 Bridges, in 1191).
Florjabeesh (population in 1950 [the last time a population count was done] was 221,581) was built on dozens of small islands in a coastal estuary; Florjabeesh is famous for its 205 bridges that link the major islands of the city.

Hoobah Boobah Land achieves greatness, 1200-1700:
Hoobah Boobah Art, Literature and Music flower as the reign of Queen Wilma II (1207-1245) brings peace and prosperity to the nation. Earch Grochneeegoidan, H.B.L.'s greatest poet, writes 121,768 line epic about the 25-year military campaign to liberate the country from the hated "Diktatush Frozenzshi" (see previous post). Painter Nobiliiieez Yyenzt composes the "Ralph" murals, which depict the heroism of H.B.L.'s first and second kings, King Ralph I and King Ralph II (son of King Ralph I). Composer Milityosh Probonizh writes symphonies 500 years before European composers, using wide varieties of native instruments, such as the 18-meter long reed flute, made from dried shoots native to the waters around the capital, Florjabeesh.

1700-1790's:
Hoobah Boobah Land gains its greatest wealth in its history, as it trades with peoples of present day Australia and New Zealand, as well as with southeast coast of Africa and southern India. It even has a small empire of islands near Antarctica.

1792:
Disaster! A Danish naval force intrudes into Hoobah Boobah Land waters. The Hoobah Boobah navy comes out to do battle, and is defeated terribly, losing all but 2 of its ships. The Danish navy loses no ships, but Denmark shows no interest in taking over Hoobah Boobah Land; its ships return home, taking with them the finest goose herds in the entire kingdom of Hoobah Boobah Land. The economy is devastated -- unemployment reaches 95% in the year 1793. Hoobah Boobah Land begins a 200-year period of isolation, fear of outsiders, and poverty (though not misery -- see below).

1800-2000:
A period of pride and isolation for Hoobah Boobah Land... Under the long reign of King Melchior IX (1802-1868), Hoobah Boobah Land is not affected by technological progress taking place in Europe and America. The very low population of the country, along with self-sustaining economy, create conditions for contentment in the population. The country experiences 0% immigration until 1993, at which time exactly one person emigrates to the United States of America; no one else has emigrated since that time. Contact with the outside world, while not illegal, is discouraged by the government; the people show little desire, in any case, for learning about other countries (see other entries). Television is not introduced until 1998 -- and it is only broadcast TV, not cable or satellite; approximately 300 TV sets are in use in the whole kingdom, making H.B.L. the nation with the lowest rate of TV ownership in the world. There are no automobiles; rail travel, introduced in 1975, is the principal mode of long-distance transportation. Draught animals, especially the bleegoingaaak (cousin of the North American bison), which is native to H.B.L., are the primary short-range transportation. Computers are banned, under a recent amendment to the Hoobah Boobah constitution; this web page is unavailable in Hoobah Boobah Land.

2000- present: First contact...
As previously stated, only one person has ever left H.B.L. for another country. His name is not being revealed to preserve his privacy. However, this Hoobah Boobah immigrant has spread news of Hoobah Boobah Land, and enough Americans have become curious to want to have contact with the country. The first American attempt to establish an embassy in Florjabeesh (the H.B.L. capital) was rejected by King Ralph VI in 2000. No countries have embassies in H.B.L. at this time, though, through persistence, the Hoobah Boobah Land/American Friendship Society, founded in Bayonne, N.J. in 2005, was recently successful in getting His Majesty's Government to agree to the creation of this website.

More Basic Information On Hoobah Boobah Land

World Book, Encyclopedia Brittanica, and other reference books currently contain no information on Hoobah Boobah Land. Until they do, here are a few facts of interest about this little known country:
1. Economy/Business: The principal industry is goose farming (not for food, but for harvesting down feathers for pillows, etc.).
2. Culture: When singing the Hoobah Boobah national anthem, by law citizens must place their left hand over their heart, not their right.Some Hoobah Boobah words and phrases:thank you: 'joybahz'; you're welcome: 'plorky'; Listen, everyone!: 'Bokko cheechnyanya!'; good job!: 'skreekaz ganashka!'
3. Politics: Hoobah Boobah Land is one of the few remaining countries to be ruled by an absolute monarch. That is, the king holds 100 percent of the power in the government. There is no legislature, supreme court or royal cabinet.

Some Background On Hoobah Boobah Land

Hoobah Boobah Land occupies the coast of Antarctica due south of the Bay of Bengal, and is warmed by the warmer waters further north -- these warmer waters flowing from the north allow H.B.L. to exist. It is not known how far inland the country's boundaries stretch, probably between 200 and 300 miles. Its population in 1950 was about 2 million, and is still probably about the same; no one has counted since then. Its people are so happy that only one person has ever emigrated from H.B.L.; that person lives now in America.

Hoobah Boobah's natural environment is grassland; even though the Hoobah Boobah national anthem celebrates the country's trees and mountains, Hoobah Boobah Land has neither trees nor mountains.

The farmland is fertile, and can grow root vegetables like potatoes, carrots, turnips, and parsnips. Green vegetables can be grown during about 3 months of the year -- there is a harvest festival at the end of this season: see earlier posts. The only product they make for export is goose down feathers. Ships from H.B.L. meet ships from Australia and New Zealand under cover of darkness; the Hoobah Boobahns sell the Australians and New Zealanders the goose feathers and immediately turn back for home.

This is the only significant contact that Hoobah Boobah Land makes with any other countries. Some say that after losing a major naval battle with Denmark in the late 1700's (see other entries on H.B.L.), the king made a sacred oath to keep Hoobah Boobah Land hidden from the rest of the world; it is only recently that the government has shown any interest in making contact.

(See posting on the geographic borders of Hoobah Boobah Land, also from December, 2007.)

Unusual Wildlife of Hoobah Boobah Land, Part 1

Since Antarctica has not been joined to any other continents for millions of years, and Hoobah Boobah Land is the part of Antarctica that is most hospitable to life, many interesting animal and plant species have evolved there that are quite different from any others found on Earth.

I will periodically describe these species, as they are part of the environmental heritage of Hoobah Boobah Land.

The first creature that I think you would enjoy becoming familiar with is the Eyeless Underground Flatfish. This fish is a distant cousin of the flounder. The Underground Flatfish lives in H.B.L.'s many below-ground streams and rivers. They can grow to up to 1 meter in length, and can weigh up to 10 to 12 kilograms. To navigate, they use sonar and their keen sense of smell.

They feed on underwater plants, smaller fish, and small organisms; larger Flatfish will eat wiimpash, which are mouse-like aquatic mammals that also inhabit the underground streams and rivers of Hoobah Boobah Land (more on them in another posting).

The name for this fish in Hoobah Boobahn is rathscauch (the final 'ch' is pronounced like the German 'ach'). They are considered a delicacy, but the rathscauch fishing season is only two weeks long to prevent overfishing.

Hoobah Boobah Land is one of the most environmentally conscious nations on the planet, even more than such countries as Denmark and Norway (the wonderful environmental practices of H.B.L. will also be written about in the coming months).

Since it is illegal to export photographs from Hoobah Boobah Land, I will try to post an artist's rendering of the rathscauch on this website, as soon as I am able.

Counting from 11 Through 20 In The Hoobah Boobah Language

Because of the difficulty of the Hoobah Boobah language, I have been giving small 'mini-lessons' from time to time. Today we shall learn the numbers 11-20.

Thusly:

eleven: ailexeed

twelve: eeckstellen

thirteen: whauchl ('ch' pronounced like German 'ach')

fourteen: quorteed

fifteen: pentafee

sixteen: hexafee

seventeen: septimuziy (pronounced 'septimuz-eye')

eighteen: aika (pronounced aye-ka)

nineteen: mranatgauchl

twenty: dwynachl

Please see posts from earlier months for more Hoobah Boobah phrases and grammar (as well as the numbers from 1-10).

The Hoobah Boobah Currency: The Grzzz

Note: The Hoobah Boobah word for 'king' is 'kong' (rhymes more or less with 'cone'). The pictures are of the mountains and forests that are mentioned in the Hoobah Boobah national anthem, but which don't actually exist in Hoobah Boobah Land.

4th Graders Name Hoobah Boobah Navy's New (Used) Submarine

As I have mentioned, King Ralph has his lighter side -- he is not always stern.

He was so thrilled by the name the 4th graders of P.S. 230 chose for his baby that he asked if I could have children suggest names for the used submarine H.B.L. is buying from New Zealand.

The students of Ms. Perles' 4th grade class at P.S. 230 submitted names on a slip of paper. I randomly chose one: "Yppah", which seems to me is 'happy' spelled backwards. Anyway, King Ralph loved the name, which coincidentally is close to the Hoobah Boobah word for 'strength' or 'bravery'.

So, the Royal Navy of Hoobah Boobah Land's only submarine will be officially named the H.B.S. Yppah.

(H.B.S. stands for 'Hoobah Boobah Ship')

By the way, Princess Abby is doing excellently -- she is in superb health.

Congratulations To King Ralph and Queen Gertrude!

King Ralph VI and Queen Gertrude are now parents of a strapping 9 1/2 pound baby girl!

I had asked the King and Queen if my students could choose the baby's name, and they said 'yes'. The 4th graders of Ms. Taylor's class at PS 230, Brooklyn, wrote down names for the new child just today in anticipation of the birth. I randomly pulled a boy name and a girl name from this group out of an envelope; the girl's name I picked was 'Abby', and the boy's name I picked was 'Ralph, Jr.' Shortly after that I received the happy news that the royal child -- a daughter -- was born at 30:77 hours, Hoobah Boobah time -- what a coincidence! (I'll have to explain the Hoobah Boobah time system some other day -- right now I'm too excited about the new royal baby).

The girl's full name will be Princess Abby, Marchioness of Florja ('marchioness' -- pronounced 'martian-ess' --is a noble title).

King Ralph and Queen Gertrude were touched that the children had picked out names for their new daughter.

The Four Regions Of Hoobah Boobah Land

The boundaries of H.B.L.'s regions are not exactly set, just as the borders of the nation are not set either (see previous post).

Still, there are approximately four distinct regions of Hoobah Boobah Land, each with a ceremonial representative in the capital (remember, there is no 'congress' or 'parliament' in H.B.L. -- the king holds 100% of the governmental power).

The northernmost region of H.B.L. is Florja. It contains the capital, Florjabeesh. It is the most prosperous, with the most productive goose down farms. You may know that many Hoobah Boobahns are self-supporting vegetable and bleegoingaak farmers; many of the best farms are in Florja, because it has a better climate.

The southernmost, and largest, region is Nuktor. It is colder than Florja, but supports a great deal of both animal and plant life. In the northern hemisphere, where The United States of America is located, the climate grows colder the further north you go. As Hoobah Boobah Land is in the southern hemisphere, the reverse is true. Nuktor has no industry or agriculture -- its unspoiled environment is an official item in the Official Royal Heritage. King Ralph VI does not wish to open Hoobah Boobah Land to tourism in part because he is afraid of the environmental damage that tourism would bring to his pristine kingdom.

Nuktor is inhabited by nomadic tribesman. In the past (see the 'Timeline of Hoobah Boobah History'), they were rebellious; now they have sworn their undying loyalty to the crown. The Nuktorians (sometimes referred to as 'Nuktorites') are among the most patriotic Hoobah Boobahns. The Nuktorian Guardsman, who guard the Royal Palace in the capital, Florjabeesh, are perhaps the best unit in the Hoobah Boobah military.

The easternmost province is also its smallest. It is called by the difficult-to-pronounce name of Mauchtoozxziizee (then again, many other Hoobah Boobah Land place names are very difficult to pronounce, as well). Its official capital is the port city of Mauchtoozxz, from which goosedown feathers are exported to Australia and New Zealand. Mauchtoozxz is Hoobah Boobah Land's second largest city after Florjabeesh, though it only has a population of about 10,000 (according to the 1950 census). A rail-line connects Florjabeesh and Mauchtoozxz.

The westernmost province is also small, though not as small as Mauchtoozxziizee. It is very sparsely populated, and it is cold, like Nuktor. It covers a territory about the size of Texas (which, for Hoobah Boobah Land, is not large). It is called the Xorfatten Mlick-Ehoughmizxxen Diktatush, which roughly translates as 'Western Un-organized Imperial District'. It is technically the personal property of the King, though he seldom visits there; he much prefers the delights of the province of Nuktor. It is also a very beautiful territory, but because of the blizzards, frequent high winds, and unpredictable drops in temperature (the temperature has been known to drop 75 degrees Fahrenheit in under 15 minutes), people seldom visit there from the other provinces. Its total population is less than 300 souls, who live, like the Nuktorians, by hunting game and gathering whatever edible plant life can be found. Agriculture and industry are impossible in the Xorfatten Mlick-Ehoughmizxxen Diktatush.

The Boundaries of Hoobah Boobah Land

Hoobah Boobah Land is a unique country in many, many ways. One thing that makes it distinct is that it does not have exact boundaries.

Hoobah Boobah Land is in Antarctica, as many of you know. Since it is the only country on that continent, it has not formally set its borders.

The western border lies at approximately 75 degrees East longitude; the eastern border lies at approximately 135 degrees East longitude.

(See August/September posts for why Hoobah Boobah Land has a climate that can support a human civilization.)

Between these two longitudinal borders, H.B.L.'s territory extends inland about 200-300 miles.

Because of H.B.L.'s very limited contact with other nations throughout history, maps wrongly label Hoobah Boobahn territory by such names as 'Queen Mary Coast' and 'Wilkes Land'. These names are an insult to Hoobah Boobah nationhood. The Hoobah Boobahn/American Friendship Society (see earlier post) is launching a campaign to get H.B.L. the geographic recognition it deserves. We are not ruling out legal action.

Welcome New Visitors To Our Fair Land!

If this is your first visit to the only web page dedicated solely to the historical and cultural record of Antarctica's only independent country, welcome! If this is your second, third, fourth, etc. visit to these pages, we welcome your return to hoobahboobahland.blogspot.com.

The entries from August and September will give you the necessary background for understanding the complex history of a great nation.

The Next Ruler of Hoobah Boobah Land Will Most Likely Be A Woman

Today you're going to learn a new word: primogeniture (pronounced 'prime-oh-jen-icher' -- rhymes with 'furniture'). Primogeniture is a law that determines who should inherit a royal throne. In most cases the throne is passed on to the first-born son when the king, queen, emperor or empress dies.

In Hoobah Boobah Land, royal succession (the way the next ruler is chosen) works a little differently. If the king and queen do not give birth to a son by their 10th wedding anniversary, the throne is promised to the oldest daughter.

King Ralph and his wife, Queen Gertrude, Duchess of Nuktor, have two daughters: Princess Lola, age 9; and Princess Layla, age 4. The Queen is about to give birth, but will do so just after the King and Queen's 10th anniversary (in Hoobah Boobah Land, parents do not try to find out the sex of an unborn child -- it wouldn't matter anyway in this case).

On that sad and momentous day when King Ralph departs this life, Lola will be crowned Her Most Royal Highness, Queen Lola II (there was another Lola who reigned briefly and not very well during the 1600's), Most Benevolent Ruler Of All The Hoobah Boobahns. But King Ralph VI is in very good health, so the royal succession may not take place for several decades. Layla is next in line for the throne, followed by the child about to be born.

Names being considered for the new baby: if a boy, Otto or Klempf (a Hoobah Boobah name); if a girl, Lily or Libby. (But the King and Queen may let my students choose the baby's name!)

A Culinary Journey Through Hoobah Boobah Land, Part II

Nuktor is the very chilly southernmost province of Hoobah Boobah Land. The people of Nuktor are the most traditional of all of King Ralph VI's subjects. They have preserved the traditional cookery of Hoobah Boobah Land -- some of the Nuktorians' recipes date back 40,000 years.

The zxyxibak is a flightless bird that has adapted to the harsh climate of the Nuktor region. It lays 5 pound eggs about the size of American footballs. They lay them 3 at a time, which tells you that zxyxibaks are very large birds (4 meters high, 200 to 250 kilograms in weight). Hoobah Boobah Land has strict hunting and conservation laws. Only one zxyxibak egg may be taken at a time, and there must be two other eggs in the nest to ensure that at least one zxyxibak chick will hatch.

The Nuktorians distract the mother zxyxibak by riding upon one another's shoulders, dressed in a zxyxibak disguise and flapping their fake wings frantically. The zxyxibak mother charges angrily, while the egg snatcher (usually a clan chieftan) takes the egg. A Royal game warden is observing the whole time to make sure the legal number of eggs (one) is taken.

The Nuktorians are nomadic tribesman. Do you remember the bleegoingaaak? If you read the Street Food of Florjabeesh article from October, you learned that a bleegoingaaak is similar to a buffalo. The Nuktorians live off their herds of bleegoingaaks, berries, wild grasses, game fish and other food that they hunt or gather. Anyway, the Nukorians make butter from bleegoingaak milk, which they use mainly for cooking. They don't use butter on bread, because the Nuktor tribesman don't bake.

By the way, do you know what geothermal energy is? That is when heat from underground comes up to the surface, often in the form of steam. There is an area in Nuktor province, about the size of Staten Island, NY, that consists of rocks that are geothermally heated. These rocks get hot enough to fry food.

The Nuktorians take tubs of bleegoingaaak butter, and slather it over a heated rock. Then, they crack open a zxyxibak egg over the hot buttered rock. In a few minutes, they have a delicious fried egg that is about half a meter wide. They season the egg with wild thyme and ground rock salt from the underground salt caves found in Nuktor province.

In the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land, Florjabeesh, zxyxibak eggs are a delicacy. Only King Ralph VI and a few of his most important advisors ever get to sample these giant eggs.

A More Complete Explanation of Hoobah Boobah Money

If you read the article about street food in Florjabeesh, you would have seen mention of the Hoobah Boobah currency. Here is a summary of how the money works.

Unit of currency: the grzzz (abbreviation: grz.)

Division of currency: 1 grzzz = 72 gringledits (abbreviation: gr'its).

There are grzzz coins and grzzz bills: 1 grzzz coins and 1 grzzz bills; also 5, 10, 20, 50, 100 grzzz bills. 1 gr'it coins are called greedlz and are equivalent to our penny. There are also 18 gr'it coins that are equivalent to our quarter -- in fact, they are called quartozeez because 4 of them add up to 1 grzzz (see the Hoobah Boobah word for '4' in one of the earlier entries). There is no equivalent coin to our nickel and dime.

The U.S. dollar has fallen about 15% in value relative to the grzzz since I first mentioned the Hoobah Boobah currency. Now, 1 grzzz = about $1.20 US. When I first mentioned the grzzz, it was worth about $1.03 US.

This means that if you went to H.B.L. on a trip, everything would be a bit expensive. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for you, tourism is illegal in Hoobah Boobah Land -- you can't go there (sorry!). So is immigration, so I hope you weren't considering emigrating to Hoobah Boobah Land.

The correct pronunciation of 'grzzz' is something like this: 'grshzshzshz'. If you just say 'grshsh', people will understand what you mean.

The Hoobah Boobahn Calendar

There are six months in every year in the H.B. calendar. Each month has 64 days, so that every 300 of our years (or so), the calendar gets flipped around.

The Names of the Months in the Hoobah Boobah year:

Meeflak

Morshlask (see Hoobah Boobah Independence Day)

Moxclaxk

Fleeghtot

Flershnock

Feelxcoth

Hoobah Boobah Independence day is always celebrated on Morshlask 64th, the last day of the month, because it was on that date that H.B.L. realized it was independent from Antarctica, back in our 10th century. But in reality, since the earth year is 365 days, and the H.B. calendar is 384 days, their dates shift by about 2 weeks a year in relation to our calendar. Our summer (their winter) currently begins in Moxclaxk, but in a few years, the beginning of winter (the winter solstice) will begin in a different month of the Hoobah Boobah calendar.

Hoobah Boobah Independence Day Celebration

First of all, you may want to go back to the entry for Sept. 4 to get the stirring story of H.B.L.'s heroic struggle for independence...

On the sacred date of Morshlask 64th, year zero of the Hoobah Boobahn calendar, the warrior chieftain Ralph the Fearless declared victory over the Antarctican Empire (which, it turned out, never existed -- see 9/4 entry). Ralph was crowned Ralph I, King of All Hoobah Boobahns, and the Royal House of Stalactushzz was founded. Milosh 64th is April 2nd in our calendar, and on this date, the people celebrate their independence with fireworks and games. King Ralph always wrestles a Florja walrus in Stalactushzz Stadium, to the delight of tens of thousands of his subjects. Ice columns are brought from the southern region of Nuktor by special train to the capital, Florjabeesh; young men engage in friendly ice-wrestling matches -- gambling on these matches is, of course, illegal (see earlier posts for an explanation of this sport).

After King Ralph wrestles the walrus (the king always wins easily), the poet laureate of Hoobah Boobah Land (the current poet laureate is Zanjjaska Flarrokgo, the first woman ever to hold this honorable post) reads all 121,768 lines of "Our People Are Liberated At Last", the epic poem composed about 500 years ago by Earch Grochneeegoidan, who is considered the Shakespeare of Hoobah Boobah Land (actually, he is more like the Homer of Hoobah Boobah Land, but King Ralph would be offended if I corrected him). The reading can take anywhere from 4 to 8 hours, and the entire audience stands at close attention during the entire reading. No one would even think of leaving to use the rest room, and not just because it is illegal to leave your seat at any time during the reading (which it is), but because Earch Grochneeegoidan is a national hero (poets are seen not as heroes in many other countries, but as harmless eccentrics).

Morshlask Brsto, the fried-fish vendor you read about in "Street Food of Florjabeesh" makes more money on this day than on any other throughout the year.

More Country Names In The Hoobah Boobah Language

By popular demand, I am including some more country names in Hoobah Boobahn:

Spain: Hispanikooo
Portugal: Lusitoinoin
Czech Republic: Pragg
Slovakia: Slovakkkkck
Sweden: Sueeetwn (pronounced "Sweet-twin" -- more or less)
Great Britain: Brittaniashgoploo
Australia: Eucalyptykko
New Zealand: Antipodeeosk
Denmark: Fiskkalt
Nigeria: Noigarrearoira (now you know why no one from outside Hoobah Boobah Land wants to learn the language)

If you want more, let me know.

The "One" Monument

You may have learned from earlier posts that until about the year 1500, there was no word in the Hoobah Boobah language for the number 1. Before that time, the only way people could express the number one was through subtraction. For example, if a you were buying one fried-fish-on-a-stick from a fried fish vendor, you had to say (in Hoobah Boobahn) "I would like 5 minus 4 fried fish".

When sailors from present-day Bangladesh were shipwrecked off the coast of H.B.L., they showed their gratitude to the Hoobah Boobahns for rescuing them by letting them use the Bengali word for one: 'ek'.

In the year 1765, a monument to the number one was erected on one of the islands that make up the capital of H.B.L., Florjabeesh. Made of Nuktor granite, a building stone only found in that southern region of H.B.L., a giant number one faces northward to Bangladesh -- an eternal expression of gratitude from the people of Hoobah Boobah Land to the people of Bangladesh.

King Ralph VI's Full Title

On important occasions, such as the opening of the "Groshno" harvest festival (see entry below for more information), or Hoobah Boobah Independence Day (an entry is coming soon on that topic), a royal herald will introduce the king by his full title. I've just received a letter from King Ralph VI giving me permission to post this title on this website. Here it is:

"His most excellent greatness, shining with the light of a billion suns; source of all goodness, virtue, and perfection in our fair kingdom; ruling with the wisdom of the ages and gracing us with the benevolence of his power; protecting us with his might: his most royal of all the world's royal highnesses, King Ralph Edward Mergatroid Lesly Reginald the Sixth."

Handy Phrases in Hoobah Boobahn: Part 1

The government of Hoobah Boobah Land does not encourage tourism. I am hoping that will change in the next few years as King Ralph VI becomes more comfortable with the outside world. Start learning the language now, because it is very difficult (see previous posts).

If you ever visit H.B.L., you will want to tell people where you come from. If you are from the USA you would say:

"Selfus yogo Amerikashkazee." That means "I come from America." Note that the word for America is "Amerikashka". The suffix 'zee' is frequently added to both direct and indirect objects in a sentence, especially when you are addressing people who are socially prominent. Here is a partial list of countries in Hoobah Boobahn:

Germany: Alemaniashka
France: Gaulooshka
China: Sinosh
Canada: Canadiashooshka
Mexico: Mejikoosh
Albania: Albaniashgo
India: Indiaziizii
Italy: Garibaldiziizii
Japan: Nipponkoo

AND DON'T FORGET TO ADD "ZEE" TO THE NAME OF YOUR COUNTRY!

A note on the adjective "Florja"

Readers may be perplexed by the adjective "Florja", which has been used in some of the entries. For example, you may have read of the Florja walrus, and the vegetable Florja kale. 'Florja' means that a particular thing is native to the region surrounding the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land, Florjabeesh. It usually refers to a plant or an animal, but Hoobah Boobahns also refer to 'Florja rudeness' (speitate florjabeesho), as a type of brusqueness and lack of consideration that is particularly evident among the busy citizens of the capital city.

The Groshnozkanishkafesta

The Groshnozkanishkafesta is the Autumn harvest festival in H.B.L. Really, it is a celebration of the many varieties of green vegetables that can be grown in this fertile country, particularly in the warmer northern part.

Hoobah Boobahns are very fond of green, leafy vegetables. Many Americans have a love/hate relationship with spinach, kale, and other similar vegetables. They will eat them, but they often have to be heavily disguised. Hoobah Boobahns, on the other hand, have a love/love relationship with dark green vegetables. They are the centerpiece of the national cuisine.

Every year during the second week-end in October, the Groshnozkanishkafesta (or the "Groshno", as the Hoobah Boobahns call it for short) is held on the outskirts of Florjabeesh on the Royal Fairgrounds.

Amateur and professional chefs convene on the Fairgrounds and take part in cooking contests. Judges grade their dishes, such as Flat Sea-weed Lasagna (ocean vegetables are raised and consumed in H.B.L., along with ones grown on land) and Florja Kale Fricasee. His Royal Highness, King Ralph VI, always makes an appearance, and by tradition acts as judge in one of the cook-offs. The population of Florjabeesh swells to nearly 500,000 as people from the countryside travel to the fair, which is one of the country's most important non-religious celebrations. Farmers bring in crate upon crate of Florja kale, as well as a spinach-like vegetable called itaax (used raw, in salads, as well as in a kind of spinach pie called itaaxicat); fair-goers bring their own cookware and stoves so they can participate by cooking their own versions of the dishes that the more serious chefs are making in their competitions. The National Circus performs, and of course the Royal Symphony and Opera Company. A folk-opera called Ti Itaaxiaczee Blurshz (The Happy Spinach Farmer) is performed before tens of thousands. Jugglers and musicians delight the children.

The "Groshno" lasts an entire week -- it is a national holiday, in fact. There are smaller versions of the "Groshno" in other parts of H.B.L. -- H.B.L. is a vast country, and travel can be difficult. But the one held in the capital city is the most important and prestigious one -- it has been held there continuously for almost a thousand years.

Why There Are No Games On This Website

Students have asked me why there are no games on this site, and I would like to explain, if I could.
I have a legal contract with King Ralph VI that permits me to maintain this website. Without such a contract, he never would have permitted the site to go up.
Under the terms of the contract (which I suppose I should post in full on these pages one of these days very soon) "... the website author(s) will under no circumstances depict any subject of the Kingdom of Hoobah Boobah Land in a light-hearted or disrespectful manner. Additionally, no institution, building, or other physical object located within the borders of the Kingdom of Hoobah Boobah Land will be depicted in the manner described above, or otherwise in a way that could be seen as humorous or satirical."
Until I can get the terms of this contract changed, it is unlikely that there will be any games on this website. But please know that I am working on this.

Sincerely,

Dan Schorr

How to count to ten in Hoobah Boobahn -- and how to say "sorry"

Here are the numbers from one to ten:

one: ek
two: dwy
three: troi
four: quort
five: penta
six: hexak
seven: septimuz
eight: okto
nine: mranat
ten: deezat

Go to the bottom of the page, and click "older posts" until you find the entry that explains why the Hoobah Boobah word for "one" is pretty much the same as the Bengali word for "one".

Also, if you ever get to go to Hoobah Boobah Land and you knock into someone by accident, say "plastorunz!" That means, "sorry!" or "I'm sorry!"

Street Food in Florjabeesh -- The First In A Series Of Articles About Hoobah Boobah Cuisine

Today you will meet Morshlask Brsto, a vendor of fried Florja mackerel (a delicious variety of mackerel native to the waters around Florjabeesh, the delightful, charming capital of Hoobah Boobah Land).

Morshlask is 72 years old. He lives with his wife in a homey cottage on Meeerzo island, which is one of the hundreds of small, close-together islands upon which Florjabeesh is built. His 3 children are all grown, with families of their own.

Morshlask awakens every morning at 3 AM in order to get down to the Main Fish Market when it opens. He knows that if he gets there even 5 minutes too late, he will not get the freshest Florja mackerel, or he will get none at all, and will be unable to work as a result.

He feeds his bleegoingaaak (a Hoobah Boobah animal similar to a bison) his morning oats, then hitches the animal to his vending cart and walks alongside it for 2 kilometers to the Main Fish Market. He smiles as he sees the herds of Florja walruses frolicking in the out in the water as he crosses the King Ralph I bridge. As he passes the Royal Palace, he gives the left-handed salute required under the Hoobah Boobah Constitution.

At the Main Fish Market, things are already quite busy when Morshlask arrives at 4:30 AM. He is fortunate this morning. His preferred fisherman, Truyan Shzzz, is just unloading his bountiful catch of Florja mackerel. Since Hoobah Boobah land has so little industry, and is moreover a very environmentally conscious kingdom, seafood is plentiful, even around the capital city; H.B.L.'s fisheries are not depleted, as they are in much of the rest of the world.

As you may know, the H.B. money is the grzzz. Each grzzz is divided into 72 gringledits (the equivalent of pennies). Normally, Truyan Shzzz sells his fish at the wholesale price of 2 grzzz per kilogram, but since Morshlask has been buying from him for so long, Truyan sells him mackerel at 1 grzzz, 36 gringledits per kilo.

(The abbreviation for grzzz is grz.; the abbreviation for gringledits is gr'its. You may expect to see prices listed using these abbreviations from now on in this and other articles on H.B.L.).

When Morshlask has purchased his mackerel (he buys 40 kilos -- on Saturdays he buys 75 kilos because that is market day in Florjabeesh), he takes his cart over the Antarctica Bridge to the busiest public square in the capital: Queen Wilma II Plaza. He starts a fire in his cart oven using dried, compacted peat moss as fuel, then bastes a dozen mackerel in a traditional spicy oil called spleft (since mackerel is a naturally oily fish, they need very little spleft). He coats them in delicious sea-salt harvested just outside Florjabeesh city limits, then roasts the fish on spits made from dried reeds.

Government workers begin to arrive, hungry for breakfast. Many of these workers have been thinking of nothing all morning other than Morshlask's delicious grilled Florja mackerel. They line up at his cart first, even though there are 3 other mackerel vendors there. Morshlask has a reputation as being the most skilled griller of the 4 vendors licensed by the government to sell their food in Queen Wilma II Plaza.

His fish are 1 grz. each, and he today sells out his entire stock by 11:00 AM, even though the other vendors sell theirs for 36 gr'its apiece in a vain effort to undersell Morshlask (the government workers had a larger-than-usual appetite today). He makes about 7 grz. profit per kilo, for a total profit of 240 grz. for the day: Morshlask does very well with his business.

In Hoobah Boobah Land, displaying your wealth is considered vulgar. Morshlask invests his profit in government bonds that yield 4.9% interest a year. He is actually quite well off, but like all affluent Hoobah Boobahns, his lifestyle is the same as his less well-off neighbors.

Conflict at the Hoobah Boobah/American Friendship Society

First of all, I would like to thank my family for giving me the time to travel to New Jersey once every two weeks to run the meetings of the Hoobah Boobah/American Friendship Society. We are working on many important projects at the moment, such as a letter-writing campaign to get our government to establish an embassy in Florjabeesh, the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land. (If I am chosen to be ambassador to H.B.L., I will still find time to be music teacher at P.S. 230. Maybe I will take my family to H.B.L. during school vacations -- the embassy wouldn't have to be open all year round. I could bring back souvenirs from H.B.L., such as Hoobah Boobah coins -- the money is called the grzzz.)

Unfortunately, some members of our society think the monarchy should be overthrown. They think that King Ralph VI is just like a dictator. If this were any other country, I would agree. It is true that criminal penalties are harsh (see the entry on the left-handed salute). But H.B.L. has one of the world's lowest crime rates -- in fact, for the last several years, no crimes have been committed in H.B.L. There are only 5 people in prison in the entire country. The Hoobah Boobahns, according to a recent survey, are perhaps the happiest population of any country on the planet.

It so happens that some members of the H.B.L./American Friendship Society are threatening to split off and form their own organization dedicated to ending the monarchy in Hoobah Boobah Land. I am in no position to stop them. But I will have no part in any plan to undermine the authority of a man I consider to be a kind of friend: King Ralph VI. I will go on record as saying that my former friends from the Hoobah Boobah/American Friendship Society are making a terrible mistake.

I value the freedoms guaranteed to us in the Constitution and Bill of Rights, and one day, I hope all the world's peoples can enjoy some version of the rights we have in our country. But I don't think it would be wise to oppose the rule of King Ralph VI just because Hoobah Boobah Land is not a democracy. H.B.L. has been in total isolation for over 200 years, and its government treats its citizens more humanely than at least 90% of the countries in the world. It is just starting to learn about the history and values of other countries. We should stop and think before assuming that our political system and our values would be better for Hoobah Boobah Land than the ones that are already in place.

If I have to run this organization single-handedly, in the face of everyone else's disapproval, then so be it. I believe time will prove the wisdom of my position.

Respectfully,

Daniel Schorr

Ice Wrestling: King Ralph VI's favorite sport

Dozens of people have asked me what ice wrestling is, and why King Ralph VI loves it so much.

Ice Wrestling is actually from the very southernmost part of Hoobah Boobah Land, which is the coldest part of the country, as it is nearest the South Pole. King Ralph learned it as a boy on camping trips in southern Hoobah Boobah Land.

To play, you tackle a large piece of ice that sticks up out of the ground (The minimum weight for the ice should be 300 lbs.). You may run into it, push it, pull it; you may not strike it with another object, such as a rock. You win by breaking the ice and pushing it to the ground. If you are unable to break the ice, the ice is the winner of the match.

King Ralph VI loves it because it originated among the southern tribesman of H.B.L., whom Ralph admires for their fierceness and independence. He goes on 3 ice wrestling expeditions every year.

The Gentle Side of King Ralph VI

As I mentioned in the last post, King Ralph VI is a fearsome man. If you mispronounce his name, King Ralph can arrest you. He has wrestled a 700-pound Florja walrus to the ground (this variety of walrus lives around the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land, Florjabeesh) [see earlier posts about Florjabeesh]. He is known for his bad temper. If his morning coffee does not contain enough sugar for his liking, he will fling the entire coffee tray out the window of his castle; his roar of anger would be loud enough to set off car alarms, if they had car alarms in Hoobah Boobah Land (which they don't).

But he has a gentle side as well. He is one of the world's most accomplished collectors of rare butterflies; the butterfly conservatory in the royal palace contains over 300 species of butterflies, which the king takes care of himself (with help). He also plays a banjo-like instrument called the plukthronst; he sings and plays his plukthronst for the children who are allowed to come into the castle on certain holidays (like Hoobah Boobah Independence Day). His daughters, Lola and Layla, also love to hear him play the plukthronst -- King Ralph is a devoted father, and in a few months the king and queen will be welcoming a third child into their family.

Once he placed a band-aid on the skinned knee of a child who fell off his bicycle in front of the royal palace (Afterwards he patted the boy on his head, and sent him on his way with a lollipop -- you would not like Hoobah Boobah lollipops: they are fish-flavored).

By the way, there is no such thing as a bicycle in H.B.L.; bikes have 3 wheels, not like our own tricycles, but 3 wheels in a straight row, so you still have to balance, as you would on a bike. The word for 'bike' is broxckowleggiano.

King Ralph is a complicated man who loves his country and is proud of its history. He does not allow many of the freedoms that we enjoy in this country, but he wants his citizens to be well-fed and happy. You should see the earlier post on the great happiness experienced by the citizens of Hoobah Boobah Land...

A Profile Of King Ralph VI, His Most Royal Highness and Most Benevolent Ruler Of Hoobah Boobah Land

I had to negotiate with King Ralph VI for 2 years to start this web page. He is a proud man and a proud ruler of a thousand year-old kingdom; his family is one of the oldest royal houses in the world. He believes in tradition, mistrusting much of what the modern world has to offer. He holds 100% control of the government -- all decisions, ranging from school lunch menu choices to military spending, are made by him. He is intimidating personally, standing 6 feet, 11 inches tall and weighing 275 pounds, every ounce made out of pure muscle that he builds by practicing the ancient Hoobah Boobah sport of ice wrestling. This is a man you do not want to anger, regardless of the weakness of his country's military. I have been on the receiving end of his rage many times, and if his anger in person is as volcanic as his letters sometimes can be, I feel sorry for those poor officials who have to work under him (I have never met King Ralph VI face to face. There is no internet in H.B.L., which is why I have no fear that he will read this and get even more angry.).

Would you believe that he has his gentle side as well? More on this later...

Nightlife in Florjabeesh

Florjabeesh is the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land. It is built on hundreds of small islands that are very close together; the water separating these islands is so narrow that Florjabeesh could have the nickname "The Venice of Antarctica", because the waters between the islands are similar to canals. Unfortunately, no one from Hoobah Boobah Land has ever been to Venice, Italy, and vice versa; this is why that nickname has never been applied to the city of Florjabeesh.

I also say, with regret, that Florjabeesh has almost no nightlife. Hoobah Boobahns are an overly practical people, and get so much satisfaction out of their daily lives that they see no need to "party" after their work is done (see the entry on the happiness of the Hoobah Boobah population). The Royal Symphony of Hoobah Boobah Land gives concerts about 10 times a year, and that's about it for public entertainment.

Education in Hoobah Boobah Land

Education, unfortunately, has not been a priority of His Majesty's government. H.B.L. is a low-technology society, with no internet or other information technology, and little machinery that we would call advanced. With an economy based on raising geese for down feathers and basic agriculture, there has never been a need for a highly-educated population.

All children must attend school from ages 6 through 14. There is a month-long break in the late spring for the goose down harvest. Subjects studied include Hoobah Boobah Language and Literature (the language is so difficult that students spend 80% of their time on this subject), along with basic math, as well as English as the one foreign language (Australia and New Zealand are H.B.L.'s main trading partners).

You should see earlier posts about the Hoobah Boobah economy...

After finishing primary school, most students leave school (if you who are reading this are in school, I highly advise you to complete as much education as possible, for our job market and society require a well-educated population in order to thrive. And Hoobah Boobah Land does not allow foreigners to become citizens!). However, there are some higher-level institutes devoted to agriculture and oceanography, as well as to translation. The Royal Institute of Law allows a hand-picked few to study to be lawyers and judges; there is a Royal Government Service Academy, which allows only about 25 students a year to take a 12-year course in how to run the government. Some students at the R.G.S.A. learn accounting and finance; they learn to be as good at calculating figures with the Hoobah Boobah version of the abacus as most Americans are with calculators.

There is a Royal Military Academy, but since the military of Hoobah Boobah Land is mostly ceremonial, students do not learn war strategy and weaponry, but mainly parading and equestrian sports. The Royal Merchant Marine of Hoobah Boobah Land is extremely important, however, as it trains officers to sail the vessels that export goose down to Australia and New Zealand. Ever since the terrible naval defeat of the 1790's, however, Hoobah Boobah Land has had only a tiny naval force of about 10 ships, some of which are sailboats.

As Hoobah Boobah Land has no oil, gas, minerals, timber, or other valuable resources, it has never been threatened militarily by another nation, besides Denmark (see earlier posts). Indeed, in a recent survey of over 100 major world leaders, 99% claimed not to have heard of Hoobah Boobah Land -- only the Prime Minister of Denmark said he vaguely remembered reading about H.B.L. as a school boy.

The Hoobah Boobah National Anthem

Here is a translation of the lyrics to the Hoobah Boobah National Anthem:

Hoobah Boobah Land is

The most beautiful country

Hoobah Boobah Land is where I'm from

It has many rivers

They are full of lovely fish

It has great mountains

Covered in tall trees

Hoobah Boobah Land is home sweet home

There is actually a second verse to the H.B.N.A., but I figured this would be enough to give you the flavor of this stirring piece of music.

Note: Hoobah Boobah Land actually is treeless, and it doesn't have mountains. When the H.B.N.A. was composed, in 1852, the king loved it so much he would not permit the lines about mountains and trees to be taken out.

King Ralph VI, the present king of H.B.L., gave me permission 2 years ago to teach the P.S. 230 4th graders how to play the H.B.N.A. on the recorder.

Hoobah Boobah Money

The currency of H.B.L. is the Grzzz (pronounced grr-shz). As of today, 1 grzzz was worth $1.03.

Fascinating Customs of Hoobah Boobah Land

The Left-handed Salute...

In our culture, left-handedness has often been viewed with suspicion and disdain. This is not true in H.B.L. In H.B.L., left-handedness is prized, and right-handedness is viewed as ordinary, even worthless. This is even though most people in H.B.L. are right-handed, as is the case throughout most of the world (if not all of it).

Soldiers in the H.B. military salute with their left hand; right-handed salutes are punishable by court-martial (up until about 1900, execution was sometimes the punishment for a right-handed salute).

At baseball games (yes, baseball is considered the national sport in H.B.L., as it is in the U.S.), fans place their left hand over their heart when singing the Hoobah Boobah National Anthem (the lyrics to the H.B.N.A. will be posted shortly). Even accidental placement of the right hand over the heart is punished by immediate and forceful ejection from the stadium, plus a heavy fine. If the offender has any prior criminal record, even for minor offenses such as jaywalking, jail time will be imposed.

To all students doing research on Hoobah Boobah Land

Dear Students:

I'm sure that you already know most of the vocabulary words you encounter ('encounter' is a synonym of 'find') on this website. But on the off chance you don't understand a word, use the context clues reading strategy to make a good guess at the word's meaning. For example, in this sentence The Danish navy obliterated the Hoobah Boobah navy in the late 1700's, you could probably guess that 'obliterate' means to cause damage or harm, because, after all, that is what navies do to one another. That is close enough to the real meaning of the word to understand the sentence, so you could then move on with your study and research on Hoobah Boobah Land.

Actually, 'obliterate' means to destroy completely, which is what the Danish navy did to the H.B.L. navy just a little over 200 years ago.

If you still don't understand the word after using this strategy, "google" the word, and you will be provided with a link to its definition.

Hoobah Boobah Land is an excellent research topic! Good choice!

97% of Hoobah Boobahns 18 and older report themselves "extremely happy"

In a recent public opinion survey, over 97% of all Hoobah Boobahns aged 18 to 72 reported themselves "extremely happy" or "ecstatic" with their lives. This is far higher than the proportion of "extremely happy" adults in almost all other countries, and makes Hoobah Boobah Land possibly the happiest nation on earth. 2% said they were merely "happy"; .75% said they were happy "most of the time"; only .25% said they were "unhappy" more than half the time.

This result is remarkable for many reasons. Hoobah Boobahns cannot vote or otherwise participate in governmental decision-making. Most consumer goods are unheard of, or non-existent. And while the country is warmer than the rest of Antarctica, it is hardly balmy, with a yearly average temperature of 40 degrees Fahrenheit.

Welcome To Hoobah Boobah Land!

It's a great day! The government of His Most Royal Highness King Ralph VI has at last given consent for an internet source for history, culture, and tourism of one of the world's least well understood and most underappreciated nations, Hoobah Boobah Land. From this point onward, this will be the only place on the internet for all things related to this kingdom, the only sovereign nation on the continent of Antarctica.If you're as happy as I am, express your appreciation here.



Sincerely,
Dan Schorr

Two more handy words in Hoobah Boobahn

Hoobah Boobah word for "Yes": "Moizhe"

Hoobah Boobah word for "No": "Nishka"

Social Status in Hoobah Boobah Land

Some people have been wondering which jobs have the most social status in Hoobah Boobah Land. Here is a partial list:

HIGH STATUS PROFESSIONS (MOST RESPECTED):
king; oceanographer; veterinarian specializing in avian diseases; grass cutter (many H.B. ceremonies involve cutting grass with ornamental scythes); large-scale goose farmer (see entry on H.B. economy); translator (see entry on difficulty of H.B. language)

MEDIUM STATUS PROFESSIONS (SOMEWHAT RESPECTED):
medium-scale goose farmer; goose herder (works for goose farmers); tennis coach; judge (though judges have slightly more status than people in the other professions listed here)

LOW STATUS PROFESSIONS (NOT RESPECTED):
Surprisingly, the professions and walks of life that have low status in Hoobah Boobah Land are, by and large, the same ones that have low status in the United States.

If you read the entry on the Hoobah Boobah Language, you will see that your social ranking, along with the social ranking of the person you are addressing, will determine the form of the nouns you use in your sentences.

2 out of the thousands of interesting facts about Hoobah Boobah Land

Fun facts about Hoobah Boobah Land:

1. The word for the number "1" is "ek", which is similar to the Bengali word for "1". Sailors from what is now Bangladesh were shipwrecked in Hoobah Boobah Land around the year 1500. The Hoobah Boobah language did not have a word for the number 1; the Bengali sailors gave the Hoobah Boobah people their word for "1" out of gratitude for Hoobah Boobah hospitality.

2. Hoobah Boobah Land lost a major naval battle with a Danish expeditionary force in 1792.

The Hoobah Boobah Language -- It's Challenging!!

The Hoobah Boobah language is very difficult. The few foreigners who have attempted to learn it have quit in frustration. The following is an example of its difficulty.

The basic H.B. word for "peanut butter sandwich" is 'nurskbeglaya'. Hoobah Boobah land is a very heirarchical society (meaning that people are ranked very strictly according to profession, age, and other measures); there are over 100 social ranks in formal, written Hoobah Boobahn -- though there are fewer ranks in regions that are remote from the coast. However, since the economy relies on goose farming almost exclusively (see the other entries on H.B.L.), the people enjoy, for the most part, equality of wealth; personal wealth is not a measure of status in Hoobah Boobah Land, as it is in some other countries.

'Peanut butter sandwich' is obviously a noun, and in the H.B. language, a noun changes form radically depending on what kind of person you are connecting with that noun. If you translate 'I made a p.b. sandwich for the judge', the word for 'p.b. sandwich' is 'nurskbeglinglaya'; in this sentence: 'the tennis coach ate a p.b. sandwich', the word becomes 'nurskaburskabeglaya'. Even native speakers of Hoobah Boobahn avoid saying the equivalent of 'the oceanographer is making a p.b. sandwich for me', because you have to include your own social rank, along with that of the oceanographer (oceanagraphers have very high social status in H.B.L.); in that sentence, 'p.b. sandwich' becomes 'nurskaburskabeglingyayazeenshtebyn'. That is, this is how you would write 'p.b. sandwich' if you are a student of nursing; it would change if you were in a different profession.

If you think this is confusing, then just try to figure out verbs in Hoobah Boohban (there are over 15,000 irregular verbs, and dozens of tenses). Believe me, you don't want to know!