The Groshnozkanishkafesta

The Groshnozkanishkafesta is the Autumn harvest festival in H.B.L. Really, it is a celebration of the many varieties of green vegetables that can be grown in this fertile country, particularly in the warmer northern part.

Hoobah Boobahns are very fond of green, leafy vegetables. Many Americans have a love/hate relationship with spinach, kale, and other similar vegetables. They will eat them, but they often have to be heavily disguised. Hoobah Boobahns, on the other hand, have a love/love relationship with dark green vegetables. They are the centerpiece of the national cuisine.

Every year during the second week-end in October, the Groshnozkanishkafesta (or the "Groshno", as the Hoobah Boobahns call it for short) is held on the outskirts of Florjabeesh on the Royal Fairgrounds.

Amateur and professional chefs convene on the Fairgrounds and take part in cooking contests. Judges grade their dishes, such as Flat Sea-weed Lasagna (ocean vegetables are raised and consumed in H.B.L., along with ones grown on land) and Florja Kale Fricasee. His Royal Highness, King Ralph VI, always makes an appearance, and by tradition acts as judge in one of the cook-offs. The population of Florjabeesh swells to nearly 500,000 as people from the countryside travel to the fair, which is one of the country's most important non-religious celebrations. Farmers bring in crate upon crate of Florja kale, as well as a spinach-like vegetable called itaax (used raw, in salads, as well as in a kind of spinach pie called itaaxicat); fair-goers bring their own cookware and stoves so they can participate by cooking their own versions of the dishes that the more serious chefs are making in their competitions. The National Circus performs, and of course the Royal Symphony and Opera Company. A folk-opera called Ti Itaaxiaczee Blurshz (The Happy Spinach Farmer) is performed before tens of thousands. Jugglers and musicians delight the children.

The "Groshno" lasts an entire week -- it is a national holiday, in fact. There are smaller versions of the "Groshno" in other parts of H.B.L. -- H.B.L. is a vast country, and travel can be difficult. But the one held in the capital city is the most important and prestigious one -- it has been held there continuously for almost a thousand years.

Why There Are No Games On This Website

Students have asked me why there are no games on this site, and I would like to explain, if I could.
I have a legal contract with King Ralph VI that permits me to maintain this website. Without such a contract, he never would have permitted the site to go up.
Under the terms of the contract (which I suppose I should post in full on these pages one of these days very soon) "... the website author(s) will under no circumstances depict any subject of the Kingdom of Hoobah Boobah Land in a light-hearted or disrespectful manner. Additionally, no institution, building, or other physical object located within the borders of the Kingdom of Hoobah Boobah Land will be depicted in the manner described above, or otherwise in a way that could be seen as humorous or satirical."
Until I can get the terms of this contract changed, it is unlikely that there will be any games on this website. But please know that I am working on this.

Sincerely,

Dan Schorr

How to count to ten in Hoobah Boobahn -- and how to say "sorry"

Here are the numbers from one to ten:

one: ek
two: dwy
three: troi
four: quort
five: penta
six: hexak
seven: septimuz
eight: okto
nine: mranat
ten: deezat

Go to the bottom of the page, and click "older posts" until you find the entry that explains why the Hoobah Boobah word for "one" is pretty much the same as the Bengali word for "one".

Also, if you ever get to go to Hoobah Boobah Land and you knock into someone by accident, say "plastorunz!" That means, "sorry!" or "I'm sorry!"

Street Food in Florjabeesh -- The First In A Series Of Articles About Hoobah Boobah Cuisine

Today you will meet Morshlask Brsto, a vendor of fried Florja mackerel (a delicious variety of mackerel native to the waters around Florjabeesh, the delightful, charming capital of Hoobah Boobah Land).

Morshlask is 72 years old. He lives with his wife in a homey cottage on Meeerzo island, which is one of the hundreds of small, close-together islands upon which Florjabeesh is built. His 3 children are all grown, with families of their own.

Morshlask awakens every morning at 3 AM in order to get down to the Main Fish Market when it opens. He knows that if he gets there even 5 minutes too late, he will not get the freshest Florja mackerel, or he will get none at all, and will be unable to work as a result.

He feeds his bleegoingaaak (a Hoobah Boobah animal similar to a bison) his morning oats, then hitches the animal to his vending cart and walks alongside it for 2 kilometers to the Main Fish Market. He smiles as he sees the herds of Florja walruses frolicking in the out in the water as he crosses the King Ralph I bridge. As he passes the Royal Palace, he gives the left-handed salute required under the Hoobah Boobah Constitution.

At the Main Fish Market, things are already quite busy when Morshlask arrives at 4:30 AM. He is fortunate this morning. His preferred fisherman, Truyan Shzzz, is just unloading his bountiful catch of Florja mackerel. Since Hoobah Boobah land has so little industry, and is moreover a very environmentally conscious kingdom, seafood is plentiful, even around the capital city; H.B.L.'s fisheries are not depleted, as they are in much of the rest of the world.

As you may know, the H.B. money is the grzzz. Each grzzz is divided into 72 gringledits (the equivalent of pennies). Normally, Truyan Shzzz sells his fish at the wholesale price of 2 grzzz per kilogram, but since Morshlask has been buying from him for so long, Truyan sells him mackerel at 1 grzzz, 36 gringledits per kilo.

(The abbreviation for grzzz is grz.; the abbreviation for gringledits is gr'its. You may expect to see prices listed using these abbreviations from now on in this and other articles on H.B.L.).

When Morshlask has purchased his mackerel (he buys 40 kilos -- on Saturdays he buys 75 kilos because that is market day in Florjabeesh), he takes his cart over the Antarctica Bridge to the busiest public square in the capital: Queen Wilma II Plaza. He starts a fire in his cart oven using dried, compacted peat moss as fuel, then bastes a dozen mackerel in a traditional spicy oil called spleft (since mackerel is a naturally oily fish, they need very little spleft). He coats them in delicious sea-salt harvested just outside Florjabeesh city limits, then roasts the fish on spits made from dried reeds.

Government workers begin to arrive, hungry for breakfast. Many of these workers have been thinking of nothing all morning other than Morshlask's delicious grilled Florja mackerel. They line up at his cart first, even though there are 3 other mackerel vendors there. Morshlask has a reputation as being the most skilled griller of the 4 vendors licensed by the government to sell their food in Queen Wilma II Plaza.

His fish are 1 grz. each, and he today sells out his entire stock by 11:00 AM, even though the other vendors sell theirs for 36 gr'its apiece in a vain effort to undersell Morshlask (the government workers had a larger-than-usual appetite today). He makes about 7 grz. profit per kilo, for a total profit of 240 grz. for the day: Morshlask does very well with his business.

In Hoobah Boobah Land, displaying your wealth is considered vulgar. Morshlask invests his profit in government bonds that yield 4.9% interest a year. He is actually quite well off, but like all affluent Hoobah Boobahns, his lifestyle is the same as his less well-off neighbors.

Conflict at the Hoobah Boobah/American Friendship Society

First of all, I would like to thank my family for giving me the time to travel to New Jersey once every two weeks to run the meetings of the Hoobah Boobah/American Friendship Society. We are working on many important projects at the moment, such as a letter-writing campaign to get our government to establish an embassy in Florjabeesh, the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land. (If I am chosen to be ambassador to H.B.L., I will still find time to be music teacher at P.S. 230. Maybe I will take my family to H.B.L. during school vacations -- the embassy wouldn't have to be open all year round. I could bring back souvenirs from H.B.L., such as Hoobah Boobah coins -- the money is called the grzzz.)

Unfortunately, some members of our society think the monarchy should be overthrown. They think that King Ralph VI is just like a dictator. If this were any other country, I would agree. It is true that criminal penalties are harsh (see the entry on the left-handed salute). But H.B.L. has one of the world's lowest crime rates -- in fact, for the last several years, no crimes have been committed in H.B.L. There are only 5 people in prison in the entire country. The Hoobah Boobahns, according to a recent survey, are perhaps the happiest population of any country on the planet.

It so happens that some members of the H.B.L./American Friendship Society are threatening to split off and form their own organization dedicated to ending the monarchy in Hoobah Boobah Land. I am in no position to stop them. But I will have no part in any plan to undermine the authority of a man I consider to be a kind of friend: King Ralph VI. I will go on record as saying that my former friends from the Hoobah Boobah/American Friendship Society are making a terrible mistake.

I value the freedoms guaranteed to us in the Constitution and Bill of Rights, and one day, I hope all the world's peoples can enjoy some version of the rights we have in our country. But I don't think it would be wise to oppose the rule of King Ralph VI just because Hoobah Boobah Land is not a democracy. H.B.L. has been in total isolation for over 200 years, and its government treats its citizens more humanely than at least 90% of the countries in the world. It is just starting to learn about the history and values of other countries. We should stop and think before assuming that our political system and our values would be better for Hoobah Boobah Land than the ones that are already in place.

If I have to run this organization single-handedly, in the face of everyone else's disapproval, then so be it. I believe time will prove the wisdom of my position.

Respectfully,

Daniel Schorr

Ice Wrestling: King Ralph VI's favorite sport

Dozens of people have asked me what ice wrestling is, and why King Ralph VI loves it so much.

Ice Wrestling is actually from the very southernmost part of Hoobah Boobah Land, which is the coldest part of the country, as it is nearest the South Pole. King Ralph learned it as a boy on camping trips in southern Hoobah Boobah Land.

To play, you tackle a large piece of ice that sticks up out of the ground (The minimum weight for the ice should be 300 lbs.). You may run into it, push it, pull it; you may not strike it with another object, such as a rock. You win by breaking the ice and pushing it to the ground. If you are unable to break the ice, the ice is the winner of the match.

King Ralph VI loves it because it originated among the southern tribesman of H.B.L., whom Ralph admires for their fierceness and independence. He goes on 3 ice wrestling expeditions every year.

The Gentle Side of King Ralph VI

As I mentioned in the last post, King Ralph VI is a fearsome man. If you mispronounce his name, King Ralph can arrest you. He has wrestled a 700-pound Florja walrus to the ground (this variety of walrus lives around the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land, Florjabeesh) [see earlier posts about Florjabeesh]. He is known for his bad temper. If his morning coffee does not contain enough sugar for his liking, he will fling the entire coffee tray out the window of his castle; his roar of anger would be loud enough to set off car alarms, if they had car alarms in Hoobah Boobah Land (which they don't).

But he has a gentle side as well. He is one of the world's most accomplished collectors of rare butterflies; the butterfly conservatory in the royal palace contains over 300 species of butterflies, which the king takes care of himself (with help). He also plays a banjo-like instrument called the plukthronst; he sings and plays his plukthronst for the children who are allowed to come into the castle on certain holidays (like Hoobah Boobah Independence Day). His daughters, Lola and Layla, also love to hear him play the plukthronst -- King Ralph is a devoted father, and in a few months the king and queen will be welcoming a third child into their family.

Once he placed a band-aid on the skinned knee of a child who fell off his bicycle in front of the royal palace (Afterwards he patted the boy on his head, and sent him on his way with a lollipop -- you would not like Hoobah Boobah lollipops: they are fish-flavored).

By the way, there is no such thing as a bicycle in H.B.L.; bikes have 3 wheels, not like our own tricycles, but 3 wheels in a straight row, so you still have to balance, as you would on a bike. The word for 'bike' is broxckowleggiano.

King Ralph is a complicated man who loves his country and is proud of its history. He does not allow many of the freedoms that we enjoy in this country, but he wants his citizens to be well-fed and happy. You should see the earlier post on the great happiness experienced by the citizens of Hoobah Boobah Land...

A Profile Of King Ralph VI, His Most Royal Highness and Most Benevolent Ruler Of Hoobah Boobah Land

I had to negotiate with King Ralph VI for 2 years to start this web page. He is a proud man and a proud ruler of a thousand year-old kingdom; his family is one of the oldest royal houses in the world. He believes in tradition, mistrusting much of what the modern world has to offer. He holds 100% control of the government -- all decisions, ranging from school lunch menu choices to military spending, are made by him. He is intimidating personally, standing 6 feet, 11 inches tall and weighing 275 pounds, every ounce made out of pure muscle that he builds by practicing the ancient Hoobah Boobah sport of ice wrestling. This is a man you do not want to anger, regardless of the weakness of his country's military. I have been on the receiving end of his rage many times, and if his anger in person is as volcanic as his letters sometimes can be, I feel sorry for those poor officials who have to work under him (I have never met King Ralph VI face to face. There is no internet in H.B.L., which is why I have no fear that he will read this and get even more angry.).

Would you believe that he has his gentle side as well? More on this later...

Nightlife in Florjabeesh

Florjabeesh is the capital of Hoobah Boobah Land. It is built on hundreds of small islands that are very close together; the water separating these islands is so narrow that Florjabeesh could have the nickname "The Venice of Antarctica", because the waters between the islands are similar to canals. Unfortunately, no one from Hoobah Boobah Land has ever been to Venice, Italy, and vice versa; this is why that nickname has never been applied to the city of Florjabeesh.

I also say, with regret, that Florjabeesh has almost no nightlife. Hoobah Boobahns are an overly practical people, and get so much satisfaction out of their daily lives that they see no need to "party" after their work is done (see the entry on the happiness of the Hoobah Boobah population). The Royal Symphony of Hoobah Boobah Land gives concerts about 10 times a year, and that's about it for public entertainment.

Education in Hoobah Boobah Land

Education, unfortunately, has not been a priority of His Majesty's government. H.B.L. is a low-technology society, with no internet or other information technology, and little machinery that we would call advanced. With an economy based on raising geese for down feathers and basic agriculture, there has never been a need for a highly-educated population.

All children must attend school from ages 6 through 14. There is a month-long break in the late spring for the goose down harvest. Subjects studied include Hoobah Boobah Language and Literature (the language is so difficult that students spend 80% of their time on this subject), along with basic math, as well as English as the one foreign language (Australia and New Zealand are H.B.L.'s main trading partners).

You should see earlier posts about the Hoobah Boobah economy...

After finishing primary school, most students leave school (if you who are reading this are in school, I highly advise you to complete as much education as possible, for our job market and society require a well-educated population in order to thrive. And Hoobah Boobah Land does not allow foreigners to become citizens!). However, there are some higher-level institutes devoted to agriculture and oceanography, as well as to translation. The Royal Institute of Law allows a hand-picked few to study to be lawyers and judges; there is a Royal Government Service Academy, which allows only about 25 students a year to take a 12-year course in how to run the government. Some students at the R.G.S.A. learn accounting and finance; they learn to be as good at calculating figures with the Hoobah Boobah version of the abacus as most Americans are with calculators.

There is a Royal Military Academy, but since the military of Hoobah Boobah Land is mostly ceremonial, students do not learn war strategy and weaponry, but mainly parading and equestrian sports. The Royal Merchant Marine of Hoobah Boobah Land is extremely important, however, as it trains officers to sail the vessels that export goose down to Australia and New Zealand. Ever since the terrible naval defeat of the 1790's, however, Hoobah Boobah Land has had only a tiny naval force of about 10 ships, some of which are sailboats.

As Hoobah Boobah Land has no oil, gas, minerals, timber, or other valuable resources, it has never been threatened militarily by another nation, besides Denmark (see earlier posts). Indeed, in a recent survey of over 100 major world leaders, 99% claimed not to have heard of Hoobah Boobah Land -- only the Prime Minister of Denmark said he vaguely remembered reading about H.B.L. as a school boy.

The Hoobah Boobah National Anthem

Here is a translation of the lyrics to the Hoobah Boobah National Anthem:

Hoobah Boobah Land is

The most beautiful country

Hoobah Boobah Land is where I'm from

It has many rivers

They are full of lovely fish

It has great mountains

Covered in tall trees

Hoobah Boobah Land is home sweet home

There is actually a second verse to the H.B.N.A., but I figured this would be enough to give you the flavor of this stirring piece of music.

Note: Hoobah Boobah Land actually is treeless, and it doesn't have mountains. When the H.B.N.A. was composed, in 1852, the king loved it so much he would not permit the lines about mountains and trees to be taken out.

King Ralph VI, the present king of H.B.L., gave me permission 2 years ago to teach the P.S. 230 4th graders how to play the H.B.N.A. on the recorder.

Hoobah Boobah Money

The currency of H.B.L. is the Grzzz (pronounced grr-shz). As of today, 1 grzzz was worth $1.03.

Fascinating Customs of Hoobah Boobah Land

The Left-handed Salute...

In our culture, left-handedness has often been viewed with suspicion and disdain. This is not true in H.B.L. In H.B.L., left-handedness is prized, and right-handedness is viewed as ordinary, even worthless. This is even though most people in H.B.L. are right-handed, as is the case throughout most of the world (if not all of it).

Soldiers in the H.B. military salute with their left hand; right-handed salutes are punishable by court-martial (up until about 1900, execution was sometimes the punishment for a right-handed salute).

At baseball games (yes, baseball is considered the national sport in H.B.L., as it is in the U.S.), fans place their left hand over their heart when singing the Hoobah Boobah National Anthem (the lyrics to the H.B.N.A. will be posted shortly). Even accidental placement of the right hand over the heart is punished by immediate and forceful ejection from the stadium, plus a heavy fine. If the offender has any prior criminal record, even for minor offenses such as jaywalking, jail time will be imposed.